How To Play...

A Little Hard-To-Get

Playing a little hard-to-get is a game that may seem unappealing at first glance: when done intentionally, it can feel a little dishonest, as well as intimidating. However, a certain amount of hard-to-get play is perfectly healthy, since if couples didn't play it with one another, the world would be full of desperately attached, naive, and bitter people.

After all, most of us desperately want to be known and loved deep down, but if we went around telling all of our acquaintances so and expecting love and tenderness on the first date, second dates would be a myth. That kind of thing scares people away, and that's how hard-to-get comes in handy.

If you're playing hard-to-get, you're deliberately manipulating your relationship with someone else, be it a one-night stand, casual dating, or a serious relationship - and that's okay. Hard-to-get can be played quite harmlessly. If you're truly interested in the person with whom you're playing hard-to-get, note that you're also playing the game with yourself: you're keeping the other person interested by stringing him along, and at the same time, you're stringing yourself along, effectively keeping up your own interest.

In that light, it sounds like tantalizing fun - especially in the first phase of dating, in which only a casual date or two has taken place, and no one's deeper feelings are likely to be on the line, with no hearts likely to break. The start of a relationship is commonly known as the "lust" phase, after all, and barely anything is as fun to play with as lust.

Playing hard-to-get requires a careful balance. You want to look interested but unavailable, in-demand but open to more. You're a victim of your popularity - it's not your fault you can't quite make the date that day, and you really wish you could. How about some time next week?

It's easy to make mistakes, playing this game. Try not to make the person you're stringing along feel rejected or unwanted, because unless he's really desperate, he'll likely just look elsewhere to spare herself the aggravation. Always finish a "no" with an opening for a later "yes," and don't string him along too much - you really should go on that date eventually. Never just say, "Sorry, I can't." That's rejection.

And then, there's the phone. Don't wait by it. Don't always answer it - there's nothing wrong with screening your calls, as it can help your knowledge of your dating situation, enabling you to make suitable moves.

Don't make up stories, and make sure you don't lie - getting caught in it would be disastrous, and it's also just not as much fun. The best way to play hard-to-get is to BE hard-to-get. Don't just pretend to have a life, get a life! If you know someone's interested in you, and the feeling's mutual, keep the interest fresh by thinking about other things from time to time. Go to a movie with friends, visit your mother, help dad with the new deck, or dive into a creative project. This doesn't mean avoid the situation, though - you still need to return those calls once in a while, and eventually make a solid date.

Still, no matter how much you have going on in your life, keep time for the interested person. Overdoing your eclectic social life might make him feel you don't have any room for him, killing romantic butterflies fast. You've got to keep him wondering if there's room for him, slightly unsure of the answer, but gradually surer as the relationship slowly strengthens.

Once you're on a date, keep your stories vague, and be polite. You don't want to overload the interested party with too much information once you've finally got him on the phone or at the restaurant. Let your traits be coaxed out of you - keep the other person's interest high with informative rewards. You'll feel especially interesting and he'll feel especially interested. But, don't forget to ask questions about him, too - you're not a self-centered bore, and your hard-to-get game won't work if you make yourself look like one.

The game will end, however. Depending on the commitment level you're looking for, it'll either be ended (or at least weakened) with love and commitment, or it will be ended once you've mutually gotten what you want out of the deal and are ready to move on. Just try not to break any hearts.

There's a time for game-playing, and there's a time for honesty. Think of the game of hard-to-get as an orgasmic paradigm - if you stop too soon, the game won't end satisfyingly in a pleasurable culmination, and if you keep it going too long, you'll probably run into (emotional) soreness and exhaustion.

Remember, it's as important for your comfort as it is for your date's to avoid jumping in too fast. Hard-to-get is the best game for people who have had their hearts broken in the past, but still have hope for the future: that is, almost everyone. It's a strategy of healthy caution, and can lead to very healthy relationships down the line.

by Currie Jean

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