Are You Compromising Too Much?

[admin]

In long-lasting relationships couples generally learn to compromise. What happens too often is this: each person often gives up what he or she likes because the other person doesn’t like it. Gradually the number of things that they share – and do – becomes fewer and fewer. Furthermore, they become afraid to try new things. The relationship falls into a rut, and the couple suffers from boredom. Or, if one person tries to plan a different sort of event, it is subject to endless discussion.

Instead, try this: instead of always compromising, sometimes trade control. This means that Joe gets to completely plan one evening and Mary gets to plan another. The other person has to go along, as long as it’s within reason.

Possible plans. What you choose to do will depend on many factors: your budget, the time you have at your disposal, where you live and what interests you. You should consider trying something that you have not done for a while, or something that you have never done. Perhaps you will choose to visit an art gallery, or you try out a new bar or a comedy club. Perhaps you join a group for a bird walk; perhaps you go to a car show or spend an afternoon playing miniature golf. Perhaps it’s as simple as you getting to choose the DVD for the evening or for you to have command of the remote.

Reasonable limits. If you are the one planning the event, it is important not to choose something that your partner can’t do or will hate. So, if your partner is terrified of heights or gets motion sick, a helicopter ride may be a bad idea. If your partner is allergic to shellfish, you should not choose a fish restaurant. You and your partner may also want to agree on limits on the time and the money that can be used, so that these do not become bones of contention later.

Yield control. This can be hard to do. It may help to recall the recent movie “Yes Man,” and how Jim Carrey had to say yes whenever anybody asked him a question or gave him an opportunity, and how that led to fun and adventure. It’s important to have a good attitude when you are the one giving up control, because that good attitude will contribute to the enjoyment of both you and your partner.

Do you remember when you were first dating and you would try anything, or do anything, in order to spend time together and to make it work? Summon that attitude for these occasions.

Try new things. Each party should try to find a few new things for the couple to do. This will help break the sense of being in a rut. Trying different things also stimulates the brain, which is good for you. And, if you try something new, you may discover something fun for both of you. At the very least you will make new memories, whether bad or good.

Note that trading control can be extended beyond just couples to other members of their families. If parents give a child the chance to plan part of the day – and the parents go along – the child may be more willing to cooperate the rest of the time. It can also be used in larger groups, such as several friends taking a trip together.

This technique can lead to new experiences, more fun, and a better connection with your partner. Instead of endlessly compromising – and feeling as if you are endlessly compromising – you will regain a sense of control and true partnership. And these, too, are good things.


By Victoria Grossack

[Diana Daffner]

Good suggestion. This can definitely instill new energy in a relationship.