Relationship Tip of the Week: Lead with "I"

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

You may have heard this one before, but it bears repeating. When you have something to say, speak from the "I." Instead of leading sentences with "You..." begin with "I...." Your partner (or anyone you communicate with) is much more likely to be able to hear your message. People tend to get defensive as soon as they hear "You..." Consider this example. If you were the listener, would you be more likely to respond positively to "You never listen to me. You always interrupt me" or "I don't feel like you think what I have to say is important when you interrupt me, and it happens a lot." Feel the difference. The message is the same, but the "I..." delivery doesn't feel so much like an attack. When people don't perceive an assault (the operative word here is "perceive"), they're more likely to take in what you have to say and receive the message.

Here's another example: "You drank too much at the office party and embarrassed me in front of my colleagues" or "I felt embarrassed when you had too much to drink in front of my colleagues at the office party." There's not a whole lot of difference in the wording, but there's something about leading with a feeling instead of an accusation that helps people to hear.

I've got to tell you -- I hear over and over again from male clients that if only their wives would speak to them this way, it would make all the difference in the world. Put it to the test with the man in your life this week (and every week) and see what a difference it makes in your relationship.

[Lurline Aslanian]

This is such excellent advice and you write so clearly about it! Whenever someone is defensive I know I have somehow put them on the spot by not leading with a statement that owns my own feelings. Thanks for the reminder! Lurline