RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE WEEK: Help Your Partner to Succeed

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

This week, I’m adding a step to last week’s tip of asking for what you want. The next step is to empower your partner to succeed. In the Relational Life Therapy that I practice, we call this the golden rule of relational empowerment. It goes like this: Your partner agrees to something you request of him. After you express your gratitude, ask him “How can I help you be able to do this for me?” Then be open to whatever you can do that might enable your partner to come through for you. Sometimes you’re not going to like the answer, like when your partner says “If you didn’t put me down, I would be less likely to yell.” Yet if you weren’t putting your partner down and he wasn’t yelling, your relationship would greatly improve. So it’s still a win for the relationship.

Here’s another example: Nicole asks Don to call her each day to let her know what time he’ll be home for dinner. Don agrees, but then asks that she call him if he hasn’t remembered to call by 5 o’clock. Now you might be saying to yourself, “She shouldn’t have to remind him; he said he’d do it.” And yes, in an ideal world, it would work that way. But the fact is we live in a world of imperfect human beings, and humans are going to err. So it’s in Nicole’s best interest to call Don to remind him when he forgets. She will still get what she wants in the long run, in that she’ll know what time her husband will arrive for dinner. In the event that Don depends on Nicole to do all the reminding and doesn’t work his end to be accountable, then there’s a whole other issue to address.

In healthy relationships, spouses know that fulfilling their partner’s wants makes for a happier partner, and they are relieved to have the help of their partner when they need it. And from your end, it’s in your best interest to help your partner succeed.