Relationship Tip: It is Your Responsibility

Pursed lips, silence, slammed cabinets or doors, and emotional and physical distancing are a few examples of how some people in relationship convey negative feelings, such as anger and hurt. In other words, many people convey their negative feelings in a passive-aggressive manner rather than directly…and it is not in the least bit helpful to the relationship.

It is your responsibility to speak openly and honestly about any negative feelings you have towards your partner. It is not your partner’s responsibility to sense or guess it. I can’t tell you how often I hear one partner speak about their significant other’s tendency to answer “Nothing” when asked “What is wrong?” This denial comes in spite of the fact that it is clear to the questioning partner that something is indeed very wrong. And, it is in spite of the fact that the questioning partner is truly trying to find out what he might have done that was upsetting. Partners can only learn to change behaviors that are upsetting when they are educated about what is upsetting to you.

It is not relational to use signals rather than words to express your dissatisfaction. The only way to prevent something negative from happening again in the future is to let your partner know the impact of his behavior on you now. It’s your responsibility to say it and to say it in a respectful manner. Take responsibility for using your voice and hence, enable your partner to take responsibility for his actions. And remember that until you use your voice, you have no right to expect your partner to change his behavior. You also have no reason to expect to have a healthy union.

Amy Warren is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Master Certified Relational Life Therapist. She counsels individual and couples in her private practice in Sarasota and nationwide by phone. Amy also facilitates relationship skills workshops.

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