Relationship Tip of the Week: Don’t say “I don’t care”

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

Whether in relationship or in life, strive to eliminate “I don’t care” from your vocabulary. Although it may not be the intention, when these words are uttered, the impact is often felt by the listener as “you don’t care about how I feel,” “you don’t care about what I think or want,” and ultimately “you don’t care about me.” Therefore, these words can be very hurtful and dismissive of the other person.

In some cases, people say “I don’t care” when faced with a choice. The implication in this scenario can be that the speaker doesn’t have enough of a voice or identity to have an opinion. Hopefully, you don’t want the people in your life to believe that you don’t care about them -- or you.

Here are some other ways of speaking when you truly don’t care:

“Although this isn’t important to me, I realize it’s important to you, so I will ….”

“I don’t have a preference about this particular thing; so if you have a preference, go ahead and make the decision.”

“I care about you, and I understand that you’re feeling ….”

Sometimes people say they “don’t care” when in fact, they care a lot. In these cases, partners and friends can often sense the “I don’t care” is said begrudgingly, and they don’t know how to respond to the mixed message. If the listener goes ahead and does the thing that the speaker say he doesn’t care about, a consequence is feared. The listener is then faced with not doing what he wants out of fear of repercussion.

Make sure to say how you really feel. Take the guesswork out of the equation. If you care, then say that you care. Dare to rock the boat. Allow the other person to make a fully informed decision, realizing the consequences they may have to suffer later. And if you truly don’t care, never say it unless you want the other person to hear “I don’t care about you or your feelings.”

Amy Warren is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Master Certified Relational Life Therapist. She counsels individual and couples in her private practice in Sarasota and nationwide by phone.

[Frank Gomez]

Very very wise.

[Diana Daffner]

As usual, good advice. I especially like your encouragement to "dare to rock the boat." I so often see a couple whose relationship has suffered for years because someone was afraid to speak his or her truth. It's a risk worth taking.