RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE WEEK: Filter What You Say

I am frequently astounded by the harsh things people say to each other. While being authentic is important in any healthy relationship, it is also vital to use a filter.

Below are some of the real life examples of unfiltered and anti-relational statements I’ve heard partners make to each other (names have been changed to protect the guilty):

Ann says to Tom, “You look like a slob; that shirt looks like it belongs on a homeless person.”

Ginny says to Kevin, “You’re a terrible kisser.”

Maria says to Jeff, “People think of you as incompetent and they know how responsible I am, so they asked me to take care of it instead of you.” (Jeff hears “I’m incompetent and less than you.”).

Jennifer says “If I had to do over again, I’d never get married.” (Ben hears, “you wish you hadn’t married me.").

And the crème de la crème of unfiltered statements, Jim told his long-time wife, “I had sex outside of our marriage. It was everything I always imagined it could be. It was the richest experience I’ve every known. It’s what I always wished it would be like with you.”

Can you imagine how the people hearing these statements must have felt? You can see how each of these partners obviously had something they were unhappy about – something that needed to be addressed. These spouses abused the virtue of honesty by being mean and cruel without ever truly addressing the issue. Most often, this kind of behavior is passive-aggressive. In all of the above examples, people were attempting to address things about their partner that they weren’t happy about. However, the disrespectful manner in which they conveyed the information only served to hurt or anger their partner, so no behavior changes occurred

Here is how the above partners could have maintained their honesty and been relational and cherishing of their partner at the same time:

Ann could say “I know you love that shirt, and I’m sure it’s really comfortable, but the shirt is starting to look a little ratty so you might consider retiring it or only wearing it around the house.” or “I’d love it if you wore the blue shirt to the party tonight. I’m so attracted to you when you wear the blue shirt.”

At a time when kissing is not on the agenda, Ginny could say “When we kiss, I love feeling close to you. I was wondering if we could try it with a little less (or more) …. I think that might be a real turn on for me.”

Maria could have told her husband about what she had been asked to do without rubbing in her complaints about him. She could later gently speak to him about the ways she’d like him to become more responsible.

Jennifer could instead tell her husband, “I am unhappy in our marriage. I would be much happier if these things changed….” Jennifer should then stand firm that those changes need to happen.

In all honesty, the relational thing for someone such as Jim to do would be to tell his wife, “I have been unfaithful to you. And because of what I’ve done and how I felt about it, I think it is best for me to leave you so you are free to find someone who will truly love you and treat you respectfully.”

Take a look at the way you speak to your partner. Do you speak truths in a brutal way? Could you frame the things you say in a nicer way? Next time, you feel the need to speak a hard truth, use a filter and think of how to deliver it softly.

Amy Warren is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Master Certified Relational Life Therapist. She counsels individual and couples in her private practice in Sarasota and nationwide by phone

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