The Courage...

To Say No

Are you a mother, wife, home-maker and career woman trying desperately to balance your many roles? Perhaps you may have other roles too, such as being a care-giver for an elderly parent or working for a neighborhood or community society? Amidst these many demands made on your time, do you find yourself longing for some quiet time of your own? If so, you are not alone. Many of us yearn for just that, to be an individual in our own right separate from the many other hats we wear on a daily basis. Fortunately this wish is well within our reach. It requires but one thing, the courage to say “No”, clearly and firmly.

In effect, this means tossing out some of your hats or at least reducing some of the many responsibilities that you have taken on out of a sense of love, duty or commitment. Obviously this does not mean that you stop caring for a child or let go of a job. No, it means taking stock of all your duties and deciding how they stack up against your values. It means asking yourself what of your many tasks have the greatest impact and influence on your life and those you care about the most. Another way of doing this is to rank all your activities from most important to least important. Once you prioritize your activities, refusing a request becomes that much easier.

If this seems difficult to do, start by analyzing a typical day of your life. Jot down all the tasks you do from the time you get up in the morning to the time you drag your weary self to bed at night. Ask yourself how you would like things to be different. Examine how much time you have for yourself each day to do what you please. Do you have time to savor a cup of tea or relax with some favorite music or a book uninterrupted? Or perhaps you love to take walks or gaze at the stars at night? What can you change so that your day becomes more orderly? What tasks can you give up to free up some time for your enjoyment? Commit to making it happen.

With commitment comes determination and courage. And you need dollops of both to transform yourself from someone who says yes to every request that comes your way to someone who says no when it is not aligned with your priorities. At first this is going to be very difficult to do. You may be overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, shame and remorse. Are you being selfish? What will others think? Remember that the less tense you are, the better you will feel physically, mentally and spiritually. And it is precisely these qualities that you will rejuvenate by giving yourself some “me” time.

Prepare for some pleasant and unpleasant surprises when you start to say no. Those who have used you will obviously feel their loss and do everything possible to maintain things as they are. Yet those who really care for you will cheer you on. Confide how you feel to your mate and kids who are old enough to understand. Get them on board with your plan so that they can share some of your burdens. Not only will this free up some time for you but it will help them learn skills that will make them independent too. You will find that saying no to people becomes easier with practice.

At first people may still try to get you in to a situation where you commit to serve them later or on another occasion. Uncertainty, doubt or hesitation on your part when saying no can not help you in this process If this is something you really don’t want to spend time on based on your priorities, it is better to say so firmly, once and for all. With time, people will respect your resolve. And you will start to enjoy the fruits of your new found power to say no.

The pay off will come in lots of different ways. The time you free up for yourself will give you time to recharge your batteries. Spending time on what you enjoy doing will help you to grow as an individual in your own right. You will be empowered. The tension you felt will be replaced by a new found sense of serenity. It will manifest outwardly in the form of a better you, more confident, cheerful and a fun person to be with.

So what’s it going to be? Are you going to continue to keep up the image of a super woman juggling those many hats while trying to maintain your sanity in the process? Or are you going to develop the courage to say no and take control of your life? The choice is yours to make.

By Kay Hicks

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