Not Connecting...

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THE EMOTIONAL DISCONNECTION OF MALES

Sue’s voice trembles, her hands shake, and tears stream down her face as she says “I’m unhappy. I am walking on eggshells all the time. I am so afraid Ben’s temper is going to erupt. It’s not good for me. It’s not good for the children. I’m trying to keep the family together, but I can’t stay in this marriage much longer. I can’t live like this.” My heart goes out to Sue. Her pain is evident. Even with all my years of experience as a couples counselor, there is still a part of me that expects Ben to reach out to Sue, to tell her how much he wants the marriage to work, how much he loves her—especially since I’ve been working with Ben long enough to know it’s true. Instead Ben bellows “I will not take responsibility for your unhappiness! That’s your problem! I’m a good provider. I’m a good husband!” I turn to Ben and say “Ben, do you realize that in that moment, you gave Sue no reason to believe that you care about her or your marriage?” His voice rises even higher “If she’s unhappy, that’s her problem. I just had the kitchen remodeled because she wanted it! What’s she got to be unhappy about?” I try again “Ben, Sue just said that she will have to leave the marriage if you don’t learn to manage your temper. Take a breath and try to connect to how you feel about the possibility of losing your wife and children.” It takes several tries before Ben finally allows himself to experience the sadness, the fear, the shame. The journey from his head to his heart is derailed by his defenses and intellectualizations. And it is only when he softens and tears well up in his eyes that Sue begins to feel that Ben cares about her. Ben finally gets the point—the money, the material possessions aren’t what matters to Sue. She just wants to feel loved.

Ann expresses awe that her 4 year old son is so in touch with his emotions. He freely expresses pain, joy, fear, and anger. Best of all, he scolds his father for “not loving Mommy” whenever her husband treats her the least bit coldly. The 4 year old is more attuned to her feelings than the 40 year old. Ann has begun to seek comfort from her son instead of her husband. I tell her that sadly, her son’s emotional connection will likely sever within the next year or two. Why does this happen and why was Ben unable to easily connect to his true emotions?

The truth is that boys are born into this world with all the same feelings and needs as little girls. Yet they are basically jerked away from their emotions with messages like “Don’t cry,” “Be a man,” “Don’t be a baby,” “You’re a big boy now,” and “Grow up!” Meanwhile, little girls are being comforted for the tears they shed. Thus, as little girls grow into women, they know how to exhibit compassion for others. Boy’s limited experience in receiving validation of their feelings produces grown men who often just want women to get over it. They skip over the beat of empathic connection only because it’s the beat of a drum they are not accustomed to hearing. It’s difficult to know how to exhibit compassion when one has been told not to feel. My experience in working with men and couples is that the man’s typically deficient response comes not from a place of selfishness (as is often perceived), but from a place of inadequacy—of just not knowing what to do.

The path onto which boys are thrust as they are pulled away from their emotional selves is a path of competition, achievement, and performance. This new journey for males is garnished with great support from all segments of our patriarchal society—parents, schools, peers, and even movies. One client told me that he had been competing in some way, shape, or form for every day of his life since age 5. His recognition had been received by his athletic prowess as a boy, through his work as an adult, as a provider in his family, and in sparring debates with friends. What this means is that he lived with the pressure to win, to prove his worth on a daily basis. This compulsion to win leaves a man in a state of only feeling good enough when he is the victor. Further, it results in always needing to be better than the other person. An unhealthy self esteem develops based on achievements, income, and attributes rather than his inherent sense of worth.

Through my work with Terry Real (who writes more about this topic in his books “I Don’t Want To Talk About It” and “How Can I Get Through to You”), I have come to a place of compassion for men. Their emotional disconnection is not a conscious choice. It is burdensome to carry the perpetual weight of the need to accomplish and succeed. It is self-destructive to be disconnected from one’s own feelings as well as the feelings of their loved ones. It is for this reason that men at times lose the respect of their children and the love of their wives. I understand that men come to relationship with a deficient set of relational skills. I also know that it is up to women to guide the men they love back to their original state of emotional connectedness. If women are to be happy in relationship, then it is imperative to inform men of the impact of their behavior and to hold them accountable. The key is to be lovingly assertive. Although every woman in the world wishes it weren’t true, they do have to moderately and respectfully request of men what they are wanting. Women have no right to expect men to give them anything they haven’t asked for. And if women don’t ask, then they are stuck with a man trying to guess based on his own limited version of intimacy. Men, by the way, are most often relieved to know exactly what it is that will make their partner happy. Men finally have a map, and everyone knows how men don’t like to ask for directions. Yet their upbringing did not provide them with a guide to emotional intimacy. The solution is for women to gently place the map in front of them, not to scream that they are going the wrong way or to sit silently as they pass the turn. As men begin to speak their feelings, the woman’s years of frustration of dealing with an invulnerable male often lingers in the air. His emotional words are met with harshness. In which case, the man is likely to recall those experiences of a little boy—to remember that it’s not okay to express his feelings and to shut down once again. Therefore it is important for women to be a safe landing for their partner’s feelings rather than to sabotage the dream they’ve always had of having an emotionally connected partner.