Say "Yes"

To Sex

One in five couples are estimated to have a “sexless marriage”, defined by experts as a marriage in which the couple has sex 10 or less times a year. Most often, one partner is content with the lack of sex and the other partner is hungry for it. The latter partner often feels emotionally as well as physically rejected. Ignoring problems of sexual desire can have far-reaching effects. Intimacy wanes and pretty soon, the couple is just living as platonic roommates. The relationship becomes companionable rather than intimate, passionless instead of passionate, disconnected instead of connected. Partners may withdraw to seek their stimulation from other activities or even worse, from another person.

I hear accounts of how both males and females sulk, retaliate and get downright angry when partners don’t want to have sex. This negative reaction is extremely disrespectful and is a violation of one of humans’ basic rights-- the right to refuse to be touched by anyone or in any way that feels uncomfortable. To respond to a rejection of sex by berating, criticizing or demanding is emotionally abusive. Furthermore, it doesn’t do anything to ignite the disinterested partner’s sex drive.

To pressure a partner to be sexual is a selfish act which has nothing to do with truly being close to someone. Women describe themselves as feeling like portals for service when they yield to pressure. Simply put, they feel used. Sex is endured for the purpose of maintaining peace in the household. Men who are groomed to believe they should be virile sex machines don’t even have a language to express their lack of desire. Sex is viewed as a duty, not an act of love and connection. It is not sex as it is meant to be.

While it is not acceptable to pressure a partner to have sex, it is also not relationally responsible to ignore the problem. When a disinterest in sex is consistent, it is crucial to address the reasons. If there is a reason to believe there may be medical reasons for the lack of desire, consult a specialist. If an earlier life experience such as sexual abuse has left you feeling jaded or uncomfortable about sex, seek professional counseling. It is unfair both to you and to your partner to let a prior incident get in the way of this relationship. Yet in the vast majority of cases, when I explore why partners have a lack of sexual desire, it becomes radiantly clear that there are unresolved relationship issues which prevent at least one partner from wanting to be close to the other.

An overlooked problem in a relationship may surface in the bedroom before it shows up anyplace else. When you don’t speak, your body sometimes speaks for you. So bring whatever issues are creating distance between you out from underneath the covers. Whether you are the interested or disinterested partner, try to get to the roots of the absence of sex in your marriage and do whatever you can to reconnect. Ask yourself “Is there some reason I don’t want to be close to my partner?” or “Is there some reason my partner may not feel like being close to me?” Talk about it in a non-threatening environment outside of the bedroom and create a map of how to become close again. Don’t just use sex as a band-aid as any wounds will still be glaring you in the face when you get out of bed.

Healthy sex is a choice, not an obligation. It is an expression of love, not a condition of love. Saying “Yes” to sex just to make your partner happy will only make you unhappy. On the other hand, saying “yes” because you want to make your partner happy is an act of love. Notice that the difference is in how you are feeling about your partner at the moment. An active sex life can be vital to staying emotionally, physically, and even spiritually connected. The brain secretes the same substance during sex that is released when falling in love, enabling you to revisit those feelings. And just as an added bonus, research suggests regular sex may add years to your life.

by Amy Warren, LMHC

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