BE His LOVER...

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NOT HIS MOTHER

You might as well face it. Sooner or later, the man in your life is going to react to you as a mother instead of a lover. There are three ways in which this image may enter into your relationship: his mother, your mother, and your own maternal instincts. Counteracting this image and resuming your persona as lover is necessary for healthy intimacy.


Your partner may have subconsciously chosen you because you embody some of the same qualities he adored in his own mother. Yet, he will chiefly be fearful that you will manifest her negative qualities. He isn’t going to be thinking how wonderful it is that he found a woman who is as loyal as his mother. He is going to be scared to death that you will try to control him like his mother. Even wanting him to do the simplest thing may spark his adolescent rebellion.

Furthermore, your man will be comparing you to your own mother. It is common knowledge that men scrutinize women’s mothers to gauge how their loved one will look and act as they age. Men accusing women of acting “just like your mother” is a resounding retort in marital arguments.

And finally, when women become mothers, they all too often forget how to be lovers. Nurturing qualities get transferred to the child. Attire may even become matronly. Lives become encompassed in the maternal role focusing on the raising of children, often leaving the man behind in the dust--feeling abandoned and overlooked. Even the maternal attention given the family pet can rouse a partner’s feeling of neglect.

How do you make an effort in your relationship to transform the image in your man’s head from mother to lover? Listen to whatever your partner reveals about what his mother did that was hurtful to him. Become aware of any tendencies you may have to do the same, and work hard to change those actions. Likewise, don’t forget about those ways you said you would never become like your own mother.

Another key factor is becoming conscious of how you speak. Many men complain that women speak to them like a child. Don’t talk down to your man; speak to him as your equal. Never, ever tell the man in your life what he should do. If he asks you for advice, give it and brace yourself for his possible rejection of it. If you are with a man who you can’t help but feel compelled to tell how to live his life differently, then you are probably with a man who isn’t making mature decisions. Instead of telling him what to do, step back and evaluate if you are with someone who is acting responsibly and whether or not he is a good choice for you. Stop trying to change him. I’ve heard countless women admit they can’t wait to change the way their man dresses. How motherly does that sound? If he invites your input, great! If not, remember that you chose him as he is.

Most of us are nurturing caretakers by nature. It’s a good quality, yet it carries with it all the maternal connotations. So while it’s good to treat your man to special loving gestures, it’s not okay to emasculate him by doing things he would rather do himself. Go ahead; straighten his collar as he’s on his way out the door to a business meeting, if you like. But when you do, rub against him in a way that his mother never would. Voilà, the image is negated and he’s reminded of why he wants to come home to you at the end of the day.

Another tip is to take the same special care in your appearance as you did when you were single. All too often when women marry, weight is gained or clothing style changes. You don’t have to cook dinner in stilettos or take the kids to soccer with a plunging neckline, but do dress sexy on a regular basis, whether it’s for date night or bedtime.

Act as you did when you were dating and give your relationship the same priority; it’s why he chose you. Put the same energy into keeping your man as you did into getting him. Be seductive in both your words and your actions. Write love notes, show appreciation, express tender feelings, create surprises, and wow him with unpredictable sex. Take great care in your relationship to assume the role of lover and partner rather than mother. You will reap the benefits as the man in your life responds to you in kind.

by Amy Warren, LMHC