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Building Your Self-Confidence

When you lack confidence, it shows: without confidence, you're more likely to avoid eye contact and less likely to stand up straight. If you're anxious about how others perceive you, you'll probably end up showing a self-defeating, boring side of yourself, with all the good, interesting stuff hidden away.

It's funny, the way that works: the more we worry, and the more self-conscious we are, the more likely we are to become exactly what we're afraid of becoming: uninteresting and unattractive, to others and to ourselves, perpetuating a negative cycle.

Keeping a few important tips in mind will help iron out your confidence issues.

Engage in Constructive Self-Talk

This doesn't necessarily refer to talking to yourself about how great you are in your bathroom mirror while getting ready for a date, nor does it have anything to do with having a full-out mumbled conversation with yourself while walking down the street.

The truth is, almost all of us talk to ourselves almost all of the time - it's just that we do it in our heads, and figure that as long as we don't verbalize it, we're totally sane. We divide ourselves in two and praise and blame ourselves, depending on our attitudes, and sometimes the "active" voice doing the talking in our heads says words that originally came from people we've known: family, friends, or authority figures. Sometimes we pep-talk ourselves into doing better, sometimes we put ourselves down, and sometimes we just engage in idle, pointless chatter with ourselves about our opinions. Most of the time, we aren't fully conscious that we're even doing this.

In order to know yourself, it's important to listen to this self-talk with a third ear, not of the talker or the listener, but of an observer who isn't directly affected. Try to be impartial, and notice what you're saying to yourself. Starting a personal journal can help with this observation process.

Once you've gotten to know yourself a little better, start weeding your mental garden. Get rid of those useless criticisms from your past and the discussions you often have with yourself that maybe you focus too much energy on... like how beautiful your eyes are. These thoughts can weigh you down and you don't want them to distract you from your other great and often more important qualities.

Make a serious effort, once you've pinpointed useless thinking habits, to drop them when they arise, and instead, try to pay attention to the world around you without forming too many personal opinions. Look with eyes asking what you can "do about" the issues you have with yourself - that's the first step to boosting self-confidence. If you can't do anything about an issue, just drop it. There's no point in making yourself feel bad.

Try a Makeover

Let's take a break from the psychological mumbo-jumbo tough stuff and try something simple: a new haircut, a new dye job, or a new style of facial hair. Buy a new brand of soap, shampoo, cologne or perfume to freshen up your smell, paint your fingernails and toenails a new color, get a manicure or pedicure, or grab a new pair of sunglasses. New clothes, shoes, jewelry and other accessories can help too.

It isn't necessary to do all of these things, especially if you're like almost everyone else and pretty strapped for cash right now. You can cut corners by shopping at thrift stores and garage sales (never underestimate the confidence-boosting power of vintage), and by taking an extra long time to shop: if you take the time to find something that's really great for you, you won't need to come home with six shopping bags. You can also do your own cosmetic maintenance, and even cut your own hair with a marked ruler.

An old look can start to look tired on you if you cling to it for too long. Freshen up! Just don't do anything super-extreme, since the results might not fit you.

Practice

Home bodies, the overly shy, and shut-in hermits face an extra challenge when trying to feel ready for a date: less social experience. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with this at all, but it can make an anxiety-packed dating experience more difficult.

If you want to start dating, or you've got a date planned, don't jump right in at the difficult one-on-one with a stranger: go to parties. Invite a bunch of old friends or work buddies over for a few drinks one night, and entertain them. Check out the bar, and open up and talk to people. Start up a conversation with a stranger at a cafe',bus stop or a new person at work. All this will help you feel more relaxed when you meet up with your date.

Feed Your Passions, Don't Stifle Them

When we lack confidence, we hide, and the stuff we tend to hide is the weird, interesting stuff, because we learned in childhood that to be different is to be rejected. Don't worry! In the adult world, differences are praised rather than shunned. Showing the weird stuff and getting some attention for it is quite likely to boost your confidence.

Who cares if you obsessively collect antique barettes, paint abstracts that you then hide in the back of your closet, have a crush on Bob Barker, or love peanut-butter-and-asparagus sandwiches? It makes you unique, and that makes you interesting! While it's not a good idea to overplay how "different" and "interesting" you are, since you might alienate your date, chances are that if you aren't usually very self-confident, you have some elbow room to use for showing off.

Adjust Your Expectations According to Perspective

Your date isn't going to fall madly, obsessively in love with you when you first meet. This would be creepy and it's unlikely, so don't expect it. That means not being disappointed by not getting the attention and affection you want, instantly: just because he/she doesn't want to climb into bed, set a wedding date or hasn't even touched you, doesn't mean he/she doesn't think you're unbelievably cute.

Likewise, your date doesn't want to be repulsed at first sight either, so don't let yourself ruin your date by not making sure you smell great and have fresh clean breath when you're getting ready to go out: it's not going to be heaven, and it's not going to be a disaster. It's just a single date, the first rung on a ladder that may or may not be climbed: either way, the next step (to the ground or to the next rung) is going to be a small one. Don't, in other words, let the subtleties get you down: pay attention to them.

Enough About You

Pay attention to your date: really pay attention. Don't act and talk like you're paying attention to your date while you're checking out your stray hair in the reflection in your spoon. Once your date is there, you have no excuse not to pay attention and listen to him. Who you are, is who you are, and you've already stressed out about it enough already.

If you worry about how you present yourself too much during your date, you'll miss out on the most important part of your experience: the person you've gone out with. After all, while it's important to have that person like you, it's also important to see whether or not you like him. It's okay to excuse yourself to the bathroom once or twice for some preening, but limit it to the washroom mirror. If you get too nitpicky rather than enjoying your date, you'll only decrease your confidence level and waste time not getting to know them.

Seek Help

This final point is a nod toward those people with serious social anxiety. Social Anxiety Disorder is more than a bit of nervousness: it's a matter of being frozen with fear and too scared to meet new people, start conversations, or even sit in front of someone.

If you think these tips won't help - especially if you've tried them and nothing seems to work - you might have Social Anxiety Disorder. Seeing a psychologist could really help you out, as a psychologist will assist you in finding the true source of your anxiety, so that you might find a way to eradicate it. Don't be ashamed, be proactive. Sometimes, feeling calm in social situations just takes some extra work, and that's perfectly fine - as long as you do something about it instead of sitting around scared, and missing out on all the fun your life could be giving you!

Ninety-nine percent of your own attractiveness is within your control. Don't worry about the blemish, or the pimple on your nose, or your tendency to stutter when nervous and talk too fast when excited. With the right attitude and the right presentation, flaws become endearing quirks. So chill out have fun and be yourself!

by Currie Jean