Discipline Differences...

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When Parents Disagree

No matter how alike you and your partner are, you’re bound to have disparities when it comes to disciplining your children. After all, disciplinary styles are as unique as you are – the result of varying factors such as personality type, gender differences, and how your own parents handled discipline. It’s perfectly normal, acceptable even, to have disagreements about it. That doesn’t mean you’re hopelessly incompatible and that your relationship is doomed; you’ll just need to reach a consensus through productive discussion (which isn’t as hard as it sounds, I promise!).

Present a United Front
It’s tempting to challenge your spouse’s disciplinary techniques in the heat of the moment, but doing so in front of your children creates more difficulties than it solves. Arguing with the kids present makes for an uncomfortable environment, leading to feelings of insecurity, and provides a negative example of conflict resolution. Not only that, but children learn very quickly how to manipulate a situation. By causing an argument between his parents, he knows that he may be let “off the hook” because Mom and Dad can’t agree on a punishment. (That said, if you can calmly and reasonably discuss a problem in front of your kids, and come to an agreeable solution, you’ll be setting a good example: that it’s okay to have differences in opinion, and possible to overcome them rationally.)

Send a Signal
If you feel things are getting too heated in front of your children, come up with a signal or phrase to indicate that you need to put on the brakes, and honor it every time.

Avoid Undermining
Show respect for your partner’s handling of a situation, even if you don’t agree. Undermining his authority, either in front of him or behind his back, just shows your kids that Dad’s opinion doesn’t matter, and that it’s acceptable not to listen to him – which can create more disciplinary problems. If you feel that a situation should have been handled differently, talk about it later, in private.

Decide Later
Don’t feel pressured to come up with the most appropriate consequence immediately. If you aren’t sure what to do, or you and your spouse disagree, it’s perfectly okay to tell your child that you’re going to talk it over and decide on the best course of action (as long as that child is old enough to understand).

Talk it Over
Discuss disagreements during moments of calm. Instead of being accusatory (“You always let her get away with everything because you can’t say no to her!”) be specific and use “I” language (“I feel uneasy when she’s allowed to stand in her chair.”). Start by agreeing on a firm set of house rules, clearly outlining what your children can and cannot do, and what consequence breaking those rules will have. Write them down; when the solution is there in black and white, it isn’t as easy to vary. Make sure your children are aware that the consequences will always be the same, regardless of which parent is around at the time of the infraction.

Adapt Your Style
As with every other aspect of parenthood, the best solutions involve compromise. If you’re the lax disciplinarian, accused of being too indulgent, practice saying no and being consistent. If you’re more authoritarian, accused of being too strict, make yourself more child-centered by listening to your kids’ feelings more often and asking them for their point of view.

Divide and Conquer
Each parenting style has its merits, and some work better in certain circumstances. Since my own style is more structured and rigid, I’m in charge of bedtime, when a set routine is important. My husband, whose style is more relaxed than mine, is in charge of bath time; he’s fine with allowing vigorous splashing and oodles of tub toys (all of which I tend to be impatient with). Play up the strengths of your style by divvying up tasks appropriately. But let your spouse be completely in charge of his own responsibilities – accept that he’s going to do things differently than you would, and resist the urge to dictate how you think it should be done.

Remember, it isn’t a contest to see who calls more shots, or whose disciplinary techniques are better; it’s a team effort with a common goal. When you work together instead of competing, everybody wins.