How To Apologize...

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And Mean It

Open mouth. Insert foot. Everyone has been in a situation where it was necessary to apologize. Whether you inadvertently offended someone or you were having the worst day of your life and decided to lash out, you have an attack of conscience and realize you have hurt someone. Most of us are not good at saying 'sorry', but there is a right way to do it.

Be sincere

It is essential to express yourself with absolute sincerity. Whether you think you were right or not, you hurt that person. You are not apologizing for your opinion, but rather, you are apologizing for the way you expressed it. Put the issue aside and apologize for the behavior.

Know what you are apologizing for

It is essential to know why you are apologizing. The words 'I am sorry' mean absolutely nothing if you do not know what you are apologizing for. If you do not already know, ask the person. It is the difference between saying "I am sorry" and "I am sorry I made fun of your new haircut. It was insensitive of me, and I did not mean to hurt you."

Make no excuses

Just as 'I am sorry' doesn't work, the phrase 'I am sorry, but...' is even worse. Excuses push the blame onto someone or something else, and it weakens the apology. You were wrong. Now suck it up and apologize instead of blaming your spouse for putting you in a bad mood or your dog for chewing your shoes or even your high school history teacher for misinforming you.

'Sorry' is not an eraser

The biggest mistake people make in apologizing is that they assume their responsibility for causing the hurt is gone. 'Sorry' does not make the hurt go away. 'Sorry' does not erase the damage you caused. When apologizing, understand that while you may have eased some of the upset, those hurtful words you used will be there forever.

Keep it simple

When apologizing to someone, the simplest words mean the most. Do not repeat yourself over and over again. Do not badger the person into forgiving you. Do not grovel at their feet. It is not necessary and it makes you seem insincere. Simply say you are sorry for your behavior.

Learn from your mistake

An apology does not mean anything if you turn around and repeat the behavior again. An apology is an admittance of wrong-doing, not a free pass to do it again.

On the other hand, do not make promises you cannot keep. Do not promise to never repeat the behavior again if you know it is impossible to keep that promise. Strive hard not to repeat the offense, but do not promise the world to the person to whom you are apologizing.

Apologize for them, not for you

This is the most important thing to remember while apologizing. The mistake many people make when apologizing is that they do it with the expectation of being forgiven. This is not about you. It is about the person you hurt. You are apologizing for the wrong reasons if you are saying 'sorry' in order to be forgiven. You have to realize that the person you hurt does not have to accept your apology and forgive you. You cannot get angry or defensive. If the person declines your apology, you have to let it go and realize it is their prerogative. If you apologized sincerely, you have done all you can do.

By Heather K. Adams