ASK AMY:

Screaming For Help

Dear Amy,

When my husband gets angry, he yells. I then find my self screaming back at him. I hate that our children hear our bickering. Now, they, too are yelling when they’re upset. What can I do to stop the loudness in our home?

Signed,
Screaming for Help

Dear Screaming for Help,

First of all, stop screaming! When you are yelling, you are out of control. When anyone is yelling, they are only interested in what they have to say. They are not interested in listening to you. So to join your husband in a screaming match is like two drunks talking to each other; it’s futile. As for your husband, let him know that you are no longer willing to listen to a raised voice. As soon as your husband begins to yell, calmly and softly ask him to please lower his voice. If he continues to yell, tell him that you are only going to listen to him if he can speak in a respectful tone. If he doesn’t lower his voice immediately, then leave the room telling him you will check back with him in 15 minutes. As soon as your husband lowers his volume, re-engage with him. Otherwise, leave him alone and check in with him at intervals. This gives him the message that you are not disconnecting from him entirely, only until the volume settles. Ask him to do the same with you if you are yelling.

It is no surprise that your children are mimicking your screams. They learn how to be in life by what you model. You are clearly teaching them two things-- that the way to express anger is to yell and that it is acceptable treatment from other people. Furthermore, yelling can be scary to children. Let your children know that you have lost control when you are yelling, that it’s not the right way to show anger, and that you are going to correct your behavior. Changing this behavior in yourself and changing what you tolerate from your husband can go a long way towards changing the quality of your children’s lives for the rest of their lives.

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