Is It More Than Cold Feet...

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The Doubting Bride's Guide

Every bride has heard the terms “wedding day jitters” and “cold feet” bandied about in jest right before her big day. You might be the lucky lady who approaches her time of “I do” with utmost confidence. But if you wake up in the morning with feelings of doubt or experience prolonged periods during the day when wonder if your groom-to-be is really meant to be your life mate, now’s the time to take serious inventory. Get tough with yourself and ask the hard question: Will your marriage really be “till death do us part?”

Swayed by propaganda

Your friends enviously murmur, “He’s a catch!” Your family adores him. And what’s not to like? Your prospective groom is an all-around nice guy. He doesn’t berate, belittle or abuse. You always have a good time together and rarely do you disagree. But this doesn’t mean that you love him in the way a husband deserves to be loved. After the limerance phase of a relationship wears off, couples are forced to assess each other’s flaws. Too often those who find nothing wrong with each other fail to find anything particularly right, yet they stay together anyway. This may work fine if you’re casually dating, but when it comes to a binding commitment, you want someone whose company you’d seek out over all others--not someone who doesn’t get on your nerves. Don’t let the persuasions of others sway you. What constitutes a “good catch” to them might be the very fish you’d toss back into the sea.

Stunned by the trappings--not the groom

Your wedding venue is at the hottest romantic spot, your flowers are gorgeous, and your dress is to die for. Even your wedding planner commends you on your exquisite tastes. Not to mention, a lot of money has been spent on your wedding day, either by you, your future groom, or your families--and most of it is nonrefundable. Ask any former bride whose marriage failed and she’ll tell you that it’s easy to get caught up in beautiful trappings and wonderful feelings of being a cause célèbre among her friends. If you find yourself tallying up all the money you’ll lose if you cancel your wedding or dwelling on how many people you’ll disappoint--and you do this frequently--this is a sure sign that you have more than just wedding day jitters. Don’t make excuses simply because the wedding invitations have already gone out.

Do you have a secret?

Marriage is about give and take--compromise. In the formative stages of a relationship, couples weigh in on which restaurant to go to and which movie to see. But sometimes the doubting bride finds that the egalitarianism present during the couple’s dating days is compromised as soon as she accepts a marriage proposal. While this is more common after whirlwind courtships, abrupt personality changes can occur even after long relationships when there’s a change in the couple’s status. Nothing comes as more of a shock to the bride who expects to have an equal say in her marriage. If your future groom dictates where you’ll live, when you’ll have children, if you’ll be “allowed” to work, and how you can spend your money, this is a clear sign to the doubting bride that she’s involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. This is one instance in which it’s foolhardy to forever hold your peace.

Get objective advice

The woman whose gut instinct is to cancel her wedding understands why the infamous “Runaway Bride” bought a one-way bus ticket. But when she voices her concerns to friends and family, she’s receives the joking response, “You’re just getting cold feet”--especially if the prospective groom has their blessing. If the doubting bride is lucky, she may have close gal pals who take her seriously. But even the closest of friends, loathe to be labeled Big Day buzzkill, may not offer the frankest advice. The doubting bride with more than mere doubts should seek the guidance of marriage counselor with no vested interest in the outcome of her relationship with the groom. A counselor can also provide guidance and support for the newly-resolute woman who realizes what she has to do before it’s too late.

Your wedding day should be a time when you look forward to partnering with the man you love--not the day when you make the worst decision of your life.


By Lisa Myer