THE DISCONNECT

In Text Messaging

It’s 8:30 p.m. on a Saturday night. Susan is sitting by the phone hoping to hear from her boyfriend Mark, whom she expected to be dining with at this moment. She anxiously grabs the phone when she hears the alert of a new text message. She reads “Think we should just be friends…Talk 2 U later.” It’s the latest version of a Dear Jane letter (the female equivalent of a Dear John letter), but even worse. Break-up by text message is a curt, impersonal, disrespectful and cowardly way to end a relationship, and it happens more often than you think. Believe it or not, it’s adult relationships that are ending by text. The rejected party is left feeling dismissed, de-valued, and as if the relationship never mattered to the texter. In fact, it’s only one of many ways in which texting is more and more frequently causing damage in relationships. An ever-increasing amount of counseling sessions in my practice are spent on this very subject.

Arguments are frequently launched by a misinterpreted text message. As with email, tones can not be heard so statements made in a joking or otherwise congenial manner are often translated differently than intended… and then the heat is on. Texting creates havoc as people have entire arguments, ferociously typing messages back and forth, without ever actually speaking to one another. If this behavior applies to you, realize that you are basically having a one-way conversation because the only person you are really listening to is you. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that the person on the other end is really listening to you either. Like you, they are primarily interested in their own retort. It is highly unlikely that any relationship problem will ever be resolved in this manner, and I have never known anyone to feel closer to the other person afterwards.

Another way in which texting creates problems in relationship is when people opt to text because they don’t want to hear the person’s response. For example, instead of calling to say “Honey, I’ll be late for dinner.” and hearing the disappointment or anger in his wife’s voice, a husband may text the message instead. He doesn’t have to suffer the repercussions, but his wife does. In this way, accountability is forsaken and feelings are disregarded.

On a similar note, unfaithful spouses text their spouse so as not to interrupt their liaison or upset the other man or woman. People who believe their current relationship is on the brinks sometimes initiate sporadic text messages to a potential love interest, just to make sure they’ve got someone waiting in the wings.

And finally, text messages are used to test the waters of receptivity of a relationship. It demonstrates a tad of interest while minimizing the prospect of rejection, and has been known to be the impetus of extramarital affairs. Gauging interest in this manner can also mean that a relationship between two well-matched singles never begins because the interested party doesn’t put forth enough effort

When partners are tediously typing when they could be talking to each other, the reason is often because at least one partner doesn’t really want to talk to the other. It can be like purposely calling a person when you know they aren’t home so you’re sure to get the answering machine. While on many levels our high tech society facilitates communications on a grander scale, there are also ways it can lead to emotional disconnection from others – voicemail, email and now texting. It creates separateness and diminishes heart-to-heart, person-to-person connections. Don’t let it happen to you. If you have teenagers who are caught up in the texting craze, talk to them about the potential consequences. Our culture is setting up the next generation to be increasingly disconnected, leading to superficial relationships which lack the depth of true intimacy.

The person on the other end of a text message often wants to talk voice-to-voice, but is not speaking up about their desire and ends up joining their partner in what I think of as disengaged engagement. Before you start pressing keys, remember that you are basically having a one-way conversation and pause to consider the consequences. Ask yourself, how might the person with whom you are in relationship feel reading the text. Is there any possibility that what you text could be misinterpreted? Could the overall outcome as opposed to the short-term relief be negative? Could the text possibly be a self-absorbed maneuver to get out what you want to say without having to listen to your partner’s response? Are you in any way being disloyal to your partner? Are you texting about your failure to be able to follow through with something that is expected of you? If you answer “Yes” to any of these questions, then use your voice to tell your partner instead.

My professional recommendation is to always exercise caution when texting. It’s better to be safe than sorry. There are times when it is appropriate to text, such as to send loving sentiments. An “I Luv U.” or “Can’t Wait 2 Get Home 2 U.” will brighten your loved ones day. A seductive text is great foreplay, but only if the message isn’t interpreted as crude and if your partner is feeling loving towards you. A good guideline is to text partners only when the message will facilitate closeness. Otherwise…texters be wary!

by Amy Warren, LMHC

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