THE IMPORTANCE...

Of Personal Space

It happens all too often. A man who has his own interests and his own individuality marries a woman who has her own, and they become a couple. Once this union occurs, the two often meld into a single unit and no longer function as two individuals. They might retain some of their former friends, hobbies, and activities, but most likely, many have been curtailed.

Somewhere along the rugged road of marriage, the couple is blessed with children. Yes, children are indeed a gift, but they can become all consuming, especially in their first few years. Once a baby arrives, he becomes the center of attention for both parents. Their needs for friends, entertainment, pleasurable activities, and even sleep often go unfulfilled in order to meet the needs of the infant or toddler. In essence, the couple's world now revolves around their offspring.

As the children grow older, they become involved in school, clubs, sports, and other activities. Parents lose their identities. They no longer think of themselves as independent adults; they relate more closely with their roles as Mom and Dad. Oftentimes, they live vicariously through their children. They have gained the invaluable privilege of rearing a child and seeing him thrive, but what have they lost?

It's perfectly natural for well meaning parents to fall into this trap. Maternal and paternal love is perhaps the strongest emotional bond a human can experience. Parenting is richly rewarding, but at the same time, it requires a certain amount of self sacrifice on the part of the adults. There are ways, however, to regain your unique identity and reclaim your personal space.
One way is to design and implement a budget ñ not of monetary expenses, but one of time. Couples need time together alone, without the demands and distractions of childcare. They should ultimately be lovers first, even before their roles as a mother or father.

Set aside one night a week as a "date night". Have a friend or relative sit with the kids, or hire a babysitter for a couple of hours. Go out to eat, take in a movie, or go for a relaxing drive in the country. Pack a picnic basket and head to a remote location for a romantic meal under the stars.
If you don't have relatives to call on and cannot afford a sitter, find a friend who has children. Take turns keeping each others kids once a week. This is beneficial to both couples, and probably to the children, as well.

Parents also need time with friends ñ people near their age who share their interests. If the friends have children, plan "play dates" once a week or so. Take the kids to the park. While the little ones romp, the adults can have a nice visit. Another idea is to have a group of friends over for a party. Hire a babysitter to watch the kids in a separate area of the house. Pop in a movie and provide popcorn and sodas for the children. This scenario will allow the parents to have "adult time" while the kids enjoy each others company. It's a win-win situation for everyone.

Moms and dads should also be mindful of each others personal space. Each parent should set aside some time each week just for themselves, while the other parent assumes the responsibilities of childcare. The "free" parent might use the time to visit personal friends, attend a sporting event, go shopping, or wherever their personal preference might take them.

Another way to address this issue is to create your own personal space within your home. This could be in a den, an office, a garage, or in the master bedroom. If you enjoy making crafts, set up an area for it. If you enjoy watching sports on television, designate a TV just for that in your space. You might want to make an area that can simply function as a retreat, with calming music, comfortable furnishings, and aroma therapy candles. Whatever you choose, make sure the children understand that it is your private area.

Many parents are under the assumption that if they devote every possible second to their children and totally abandon their own lives, it makes them better parents. This simply is not true. Moms and dads who are happy and fulfilled make much better parents and serve as better role models for their sons and daughters. Parents who take time to achieve their own space are under less stress than those who don't, and the result is having more patience.

Most of all, parents who reclaim their own personal space and identity become more defined as unique individuals. They tend to place more value on the time they spend with their children when they are allowed time apart from the kids. The sense of well being the parents experience will, without a doubt, transfer to the children, as well, resulting in a happy, well adjusted family.

By Holle Abee

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