Fun and Romance -- Without the Kids

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The most secure children are those with parents who have solid, loving relationships. One of the best ways to keep the romance in a relationship alive is to take time away from the family and focus once again on the couple. It’s called the get-away.


Making alone time for your spouse on a regular basis to ‘renew the woo’ as relationship expert Gary Direnfeld (host of a Slice network TV show called Newlywed, Nearly Dead), likes to put it, is certainly crucial to keeping the romance in any marriage alive. Scheduling date nights and short daily one-on-one sessions becomes increasingly important as you have more children.

One method of keeping the romantic love between partners alive that’s often ignored is the weekend getaway. Overnight trips involve some expense, but the real stumbling block for many couples is in the planning of the event itself. With work schedules, over-time, birthday parties and play-dates filling up the family calendar, finding a clear weekend can be a real challenge. Getting responsible overnight childcare can also be hard to find, unless you’re lucky to have trusted family members or friends you can ask.

There are also two issues that many women have to face as mothers, especially those who are first-time moms: guilt and loss of control. Kids are great at making parents feel guilty – childcare professionals face this all the time. The child is dropped off at nursery school or kindergarten, screaming and wailing. Once the mother is out of earshot, the child almost always adapts to the environment and happily participates. Of course, the mother is a quivering mass of guilt all day: questioning her parenting skills and wondering if she’s just set her child up for abandonment issues, causing a lifetime of psychological and emotional damage.

The feeling that she’s lost control is nearly as difficult. No one, she believes, can take care of her child as well as she can. Not her husband; not her own mother. Why? Because no one loves that child like she does: she is the child’s mother, and that makes her irreplaceable.

A mother is absolutely irreplaceable; however, a woman who becomes trapped into never allowing time for romance with her husband and sheer fun for herself will simply be unable to function at her best – either as a mother, or as a fulfilled human being. As long as there is appropriate, responsible childcare provided in her absence, the mother has fulfilled her duty and can enjoy her time away, guilt-free.

Once the emotional side of the equation is handled, the planning of it can actually be kind of fun. Circle a night or two on the calendar well in advance of the date: base it on when you can get a babysitter. If it’s a weekend, fine. If that’s not working out, schedule a day or two away from the office. In fact, a mid-week get-away can sometimes be easier to arrange for childcare and you’ll often get package deals on hotels and flights.

If money’s really tight, drop your kids off at grandma’s house. Spend your days doing all the couple things you used to enjoy – don’t waste any time on projects around the house. Your relationship is too important for that, and it needs nurturing.

Although the activities themselves aren’t as important as the fact that you’re doing them together, they really should not be errands or chores that you have to do in your regular day-to-day life. In order to focus on yourselves and on each other, you need to be a little bit selfish as a couple. Spoil each other and do things that are fun; things that you don’t do as much as you’d like, or something that you’ve never done before.

There is no right or wrong in this. You might choose, as a couple, to have an evening out with friends. You could finally get to a play that you’ve been meaning to see, and then have a great discussion about it later on. How about a vigorous hike and then a couples massage? Decide beforehand if you will bring your lap top (or if you’re staying at home, how much time – if any – you’ll spend on the computer).

Connecting as lovers in a timeframe that’s longer than a dinner date really brings your pre-kids past into your present. You reconnect as two interesting individuals who love each other, and you remember why you had children in the first place. Your intimate relationship is rekindled, and each of you will become energized. Once you have your first successful get-away, nothing will keep you from planning those special days and nights of romance and fun in your future.

by Stephanie Olsen