One Couple...Two Beds...Is There Trouble In Paradise

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For some couples yes but for many couples, the answer is no. Although we’ve come to view the marriage bed as a symbol of partnership and connection (and sex), sometimes separate beds have nothing to do with the “state of the union.”


Colin and Kira

Colin and Kira S., 25 and 26 years of age, met as college sophomores and lived together for 3 years before getting married 2 years ago. But, Kira estimates, they’ve probably slept in the same bed 10 times, usually in hotels or as guests in other peoples’ homes. “We don’t advertise it,” Kira explains, “because we think most people would think we have a problem in our marriage.” They don’t, they both insist—it’s just that even king sized beds feel cramped to them. Kira, a former plus-size model, is 5’9 and wears a women’s dress size 20-22, while Colin, a high school basketball coach stands 6’6 barefoot.  “We’re really big people,” Kira says. “We both like to spread out and roll around when we sleep,” Colin explains. “We’re just more comfortable having our own full-sized beds.”

They keep their separate beds a secret between them. The beds are side by side in their master bedroom, and Colin admits that they push the beds together when they are expecting company. “This way,” he says, “it just looks like we have one giant bed.”
When asked why they don’t keep the two beds pushed together regularly, Kira laughs and says, “We tried that. But even using elastic belts to hold them together, one of us would wind up in the crack.”

To them, their sleeping arrangements have nothing to do with sex. “I’m awake when we’re doing that,” Colin jokes. They explain that they are both happy with their sex life and that having separate beds helps. “I’m more in the mood if I’ve gotten a good night sleep,” Kira says. So, when it’s time to do the dirty, where do they go?  Her bed? His? Kira blushes and Colin answers, “There isn’t a place in this house that it hasn’t happened.”



Katey and Lee
35 year old Katey and Lee P. have been married for 7 years.  They married just a year after they met. They spent the first 5 years together sleeping in the same bed, a queen-sized mattress and frame Katey bought her first her out of college.  “It was a bed,” she explains. “Barely.” Lee began sleeping separately 2 years ago, on one of futons in their living room that double as sofas. “At first,” she explains, “it was because Lee had gotten laid off and had a lot of anxiety, so he needed the TV on to fall asleep…” But soon, she joined him, but on another futon. “The bed was just killing my back. There was zero support.”

Lee had a hard time finding work, so he decided to return to school full-time to finish his bachelor’s degree.  Katey supports them as a freelance graphic designer, but money’s just too tight to buy a new bed and mattress. They plan on sleeping on the futons until Lee graduates and they again become a two-income family.

Katey admits she feels insecure about the situation. Sex has slowed down, she says, and she blames it on sleeping separately. “We do still have sex, just not as often.” And when they do, she says, they do it on the bed.  “It’s all it’s good for. For anything else, it’s a health hazard.” Katey’s discomfort about the situation leads to occasional fight. But, she says, they make up and she usually feels better for awhile.
Lee sees the futons as a temporary solution. He promises that when he has permanent employment, they will buy a new bed and mattress and start sleeping together again. Katey waits patiently.



Hillary and Will
41 year old Hillary S. never thought she would get married—until she met Will 5 years ago. The two married on Will D.’s 40th birthday—the first marriage for them both—and have, as Hillary describes it, “…an ideal partnership. Will’s everything I ever wanted in a man and never thought I’d find.”
Will is equally effusive. “Hil’s amazing. In every way. I look at her and just can’t believe my luck.” But the two of them stopped sleeping in the same bed 8 months ago. Will sleeps in the couple’s bedroom while Hillary bunks down in the guest room or on the living room pull-out couch.
“We used to sleep together,” Hillary says. “But Will’s shaking make it impossible some nights and I have to sleep or I am a wreck.”Will has Parkinson’s Disease. Tremor is one of his most prominent symptoms. “Even with my meds,” he explains, “I shake a bit at night.” They smile at each other. It’s a difficult situation, but when they try and sleep together,

Hillary describes it as a “crap shoot.” She says, “I’m a kindergarten teacher, so I have to be rested to have patience. Plus, now Will often gets tired before I do.” So, she explains, she tucks him in, then watches TV or reads, then beds down. “I usually try and make it into the guest room, but sometimes I just pass out on the couch.”

Like Kira and Colin, Hillary and Will don’t advertise their sleeping arrangements. Not because they are ashamed, but because, as Will states, “…we don’t want to add another layer of discomfort onto our loved ones.” The two believe others have enough trouble coming to terms with Will’s illness, and believing the union is in trouble would be too much to handle. 

“Will’s parents treat the Parkinson’s like it’s a death sentence, already,” Hillary says. 
As for sex, Hillary explains that they are still figuring it all out. There isn’t a lot of information on how chronic, degenerative diseases affect sexuality, so they have a hard time determining what is “normal” now. Will’s meds diminish his sex drive, too. “I want to,” Will says, with a blush. “Just sometimes my body won’t cooperate.” “But we’re happy,” Hillary states firmly. “We may have two beds, but we are defiinitely one couple.”

by Caren Sumption