Relationship Tip of the Week: Should Shouldn't Exist

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

This week’s relationship tip is to eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary. Anytime you use the word “should,” it is trespassing on another person’s territory. When you tell a person what they “should” do, you immediately put yourself in the one up position where you are looking down on the other person.

If I tell a person what they should do, it becomes the “world according to Amy.” I am then in a position to look down on them, and I end up making the other person feel wrong. When another person is looking up towards me, they feel inferior to me. Relational health only occurs when two people meet each other on equal ground.

No one has the right to tell another person what to do. We do, however, have the right to ask for what we want from them and set limits regarding what we tolerate.

This week, notice how many times the word “should” enters your vocabulary. Try to let go of the need to tell anyone how to live their life (which is essentially what the word “should” conveys). If you feel compelled to express your message, substitute the word “could.”

Use this tip with your self as well as others. Telling yourself you “should” do something results in feeling bad about your self. Telling yourself you “could” do something opens up the world of possibilities of what you can do in life. The choice is yours, and you can choose to make the right choice or the wrong choice.

Afford others the same opportunity. Give others the right to make their own mistakes and to learn from them. Telling another person what they should do only creates distance; it does not inspire intimacy. So stop the “shoulding”!

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

Hi Esther,
Sorry to take so long to respond. Between moving and being sick, I've haven't been able to spend as much time on the site as I desire. I appreciate the positive feedback about my blog. I, too, have read your blogs and notice our commonalities. (Great minds think alike, wouldn't you say?). I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Master Certified Relational Life Therapist; my main focus is my private practice. In terms of "coaching," I handle relationship coaching by phone with The Relationship Gym(for their clients in the US and Canada)and coach other therapists as part of their training in Relational Life Therapy.

WQ is glad to have you part of our site.

[Esther Bird]

Amy - I like your blog. It makes a great deal of sense and is well written. You and I think a lot alike in this respect. You have given some very wise advice. Are you a relationship coach? I have entered a few blogs on this site too. Check them out and see if you agree with my ideas too.