Relationship Tip of the Week: Focus on the Positive

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

This week, I’m going to begin a series of relationship tips by asking you to do something harder than you think --- to focus on the positive. For one week, each time you open your mouth to say something negative to your partner, close it. There may be lots of negatives in your relationship, and I absolutely want you to address them. But first of all, I invite you to become more aware of the positives in your relationship. Try to find the good things in it and comment on them. You may still address the things you don’t like, but frame it in the positive. “I would really appreciate it if you get home in time for dinner because I invested a lot of time and love preparing it for you” sounds much better than “You never come home on time! I slaved over a hot stove for hours and this is what I get in return!” Not only does the first statement sound better, it will garner a much different response from your partner.

Don’t just apply this technique to your relationships; apply it everywhere in life. Lately, I’ve been cognizant of how different my experiences are when I’m around people who are negative versus people who are positive. It changes the entire energy of the day or activity. Your energy can contaminate another person’s energy, so become mindful of it. Look for the silver lining; you can usually find one if you look hard enough. I truly don’t believe people recognize how negative and critical they can be; it’s a matter of becoming conscious. Become aware of how many times you have to bite your tongue to stop a critical statement from coming out of your mouth. We’re all negative at times, but sometimes we take it to the extreme. People don’t like to be around negative people. Why should your partner be expected to be any different? If you have to take out a virtual magnifying glass to amplify the good in the relationship, so be it. You might find you’ve been taking some things for granted, like how much it helps you when your husband picks the kids up from day care. Bring praise and appreciation into your relationship, even if you think that the good things should be a given in the relationship, or even if the negatives negate the positives.

This exercise is not about putting on blinders to your partner’s bad behavior. Rather it’s about monitoring your own level of tolerance and seeing if perhaps by looking for the positives, you will see more good in the relationship. Believe me, the negatives will still be present in your relationship next week, and you should speak to them if they continue to matter. But, perhaps the negative things won’t seem quite so vibrant once you get into the habit of looking for the positives. If you’re brave enough to take on the assignment, notice the change in your own moods as well as the responses from your partner this week. I guarantee you’ll see a difference. Make a note of it and share your experiences with others at WQ. Next week, I’ll give you tips on how to speak to your partner about those negatives that continue to disturb you. But for now, keep the optimism!

by Amy Warren, LMHC

[Diana Daffner]

Yes, bringing praise and appreciation into the relationship - FREQUENTLY - makes the difference between a great relationship and one that isn't.

My husband responds quite differently depending on MY reaction to something he's said or done. A warm smile with praise is definitely a winner! I was so impressed at how well this works that I decided I would try to jump right in with love and praise especially at those moments when my knee-jerk reaction is to criticize. I've even written about it...
http://www.IntimacyRetreats.com/jump.htm

[Michelle Teyke]

Great advice! I've tried this and it really works! No one said it is easy but it is effective!

[rachelle belanger]

"Why Men Love Bitches" A must read for all women!!! BTW: the word bitches is taken out of context for the book. I think we have all been selling ourselves short at some point with the "wrong men" that we have chosen