Relationship Tip of the Week: Give, Receive and Assess

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

Christmas is a time of giving and receiving, but are you a good giver and receiver?  The gift exchange actually says a lot about your relationship. Many people are good at being either a giver or a receiver, but not both. Healthy relationships involve mutual giving and receiving -- cherishing others with special gestures and also allowing oneself to be cherished. This holiday, observe yourself to see how comfortable you are with both giving and receiving and look to see what it means about you.

 

Being a good giver means that you take the time to consider what would be meaningful to loved ones, buy or create the gift and then genuinely share in the joy as the gift is received. True giving isn’t about seeking affection or approval, but about pleasing someone you love for the joy of pleasing them.

 

Are you a last minute obligatory shopper who gives little thought to the process? This lack of thought may point to a lack of general thought for the other person. People who are not good givers are often self-absorbed. Their failure to share in the true joy of giving is also exposed in other areas of the relationship where their lack of concern for their partner’s feelings becomes evident. If someone is only good at receiving, then that pattern may show up throughout the relationship from decision-making to sex where it becomes all about him or her. People who aren’t givers are often withholding in other ways in the relationship, such as in the expression of feelings.. It can be an indicator of Love Avoidance.

 

People who have difficulty receiving are sometimes very good at giving, resulting in the relationship feeling one-sided. Mutual giving and receiving is an important relationship skill. Difficulty receiving is indicative of an emotional wall – one that doesn’t let all the love come through. People who experience discomfort receiving often had a childhood which was devoid of gifts or attention. It makes them feel unworthy and uncomfortable when the attention they have always subconsciously craved is finally given to them. It is a tragedy that these people don’t allow themselves to bask in the joy of receiving in adulthood.

 

As with most everything in life, we learn how to give and receive in childhood. Evaluate your childhood experiences to look at your beliefs around giving and receiving.  If you are uncomfortable giving, perhaps you had negative experiences related to gifts – such as gifts that were used to manipulate. Or perhaps you felt that you were given things but not true affection. Look at the meaning behind your own actions. Inadequacies in either giving or receiving can be indicative of personal issues that need to be addressed. Use this holiday as an opportunity to look at yourself and to improve your relationship by seeking professional help if needed.

Amy Warren is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Master Certified Relational Life Therapist. She counsels individual and couples in her private practice in Sarasota and nationwide by phone. Amy also facilitates relationship skills workshops.