RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE WEEK: Idle Threats are Not Repair Tools

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

In the heat of the moment, people in relationship often make idle threats which they don’t end up following through with. Threats are usually made to get a spouse’s attention or to get the fight to stop, but these inadequate attempts to repair a situation usually only make matters worse in the long run. As is often the intention, feelings are hurt and anxieties are provoked. Retaliation is always a losing strategy. “I want a divorce,” or “You have to leave” are the worst of these threats; such words should never be said lightly. Said idly, these threats invoke unnecessary feelings of rejection and/or abandonment. It is emotionally abusive to threaten to do something that in actuality you are never going to do.

Sometimes people think they mean what they say in the moment, but then lose their nerve or reconsider when they simmer down. To act as if you are leaving the relationship or punishing your spouse in some way when you are not actually going to do it is just plain cruel. In the end, if you are ever serious about what is threatened, it won’t be believed. Remember the boy who cried “wolf”? I’ve worked with many couples in which one spouse (usually the wife) has threatened over and over again to end the relationship. Then when the spouse really becomes serious about things needing to change in the relationship, the previously threatened spouse doesn’t take it seriously. And why should he? It’s already been proven to him that the words are meaningless.

Idle threats don’t resolve problems or repair relationships. Even if it seems to work, it’s not a mature or healthy way to get a point across. Threats typically breed resentment which only creates more problems later. Instead, make firm statements of what specific behaviors you are not willing to tolerate. If you name a consequence to the behavior continuing, make sure that you follow through with it – every single time. When you continue to tolerate a behavior you have named as intolerable, you are giving the message that your words mean nothing.

Before you say something, make sure you mean it. A good rule is to wait until the next day and reevaluate your feelings. If idle threats are being made, it’s a sign that something in the relationship needs to be addressed. Pay attention to whatever is making you unhappy, but instead of making idle threats, make sure your words are meaningful.

Amy Warren is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Master Certified Relational Life Therapist. She counsels individual and couples in her private practice in Sarasota and nationwide by phone. Amy also facilitates relationship skills workshops.