Relationship Tip of the Week: Identify How You Trigger Him

In any long-term relationship, people trigger one another – meaning that one person’s behavior leads the other person to react in a negative way. If you look at your own behavior, there are many situations in which a change in you may prevent your partner from reacting negatively. Reflect on the times your partner gets upset, explodes or acts in a way that you don’t like, identify what you are doing immediately preceding his reaction and change it.

Here’s an example, Paul seems to resist any time Mary gives him advice or makes suggestions about what he might do. In Paul’s childhood, he was frequently criticized and got the feeling he couldn’t do anything right. Therefore, as an adult, he goes into self esteem failure when Mary attempts to help him by offering advice. He reacts with either resistance or anger, projecting onto Mary that she’s treating him like his critical parent. If Mary changes her behavior and learns to refrain from giving unsolicited advice or to surround any negative feedback with positives, Paul won’t get triggered nearly as often. Now this doesn’t mean that Paul’s unresolved childhood issues will disappear until he does his own personal work on the issue (and hopefully, he will one day). It does, however, mean that Mary will protect herself from the discomfort of Paul’s frequently irrational behavior.

Consider what you do that triggers your partner. Identify what you are doing when the interaction between you starts going downhill in an instant. Instead of focusing on your desire to change your partner’s behavior, focus on the part you can control – you. Recognize that just as what you do can affect behavior in a negative way, what you do can also affect behavior in a positive way.

Amy Warren is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Master Certified Relational Life Therapist. She counsels individual and couples in her private practice in Sarasota and nationwide by phone.