Save the Fantasies for the Bedroom

Especially in the beginning of relationship, fantasy plays a big part. We meet someone, there’s chemistry, and within our head, we often imagine the person to be all we hope him or her to be. We begin to act as if he or she is that person. When that happens, we are engaging in fantasy. Before we know it, we can become embroiled in a relationship with someone we don’t truly know in spite of the long, heartfelt conversations and spark-firing chemistry experienced in the beginning. It is important to remember that the first stage of love is love without knowledge. We typically begin to love (or at least lust or become infatuated) long before we truly know a person. When that knowledge finally comes, it can bring intense pain and disappointment if we have been living in fantasy rather than reality.

Fantasy plays a dysfunctional part in some long-term relationships too. When problems emerge, people begin to imagine that the person will magically change. They minimize that it’s not really that bad. They think thoughts like “if only they give him time or do _______, it will change.” They may blame the bad behavior on something or someone else. These are the people that years later either land in a therapy office like mine or divorce court.

By staying reality-based and separating fact from fiction, you can save a lot of heartache and greatly increase your odds of having a long-lasting, successful relationship. Follow these tips to help you stay reality-based in your relationship:

Take your time to get to know someone before you make any major life shifts for this person. It can take well over a year to get to really know a person (and that’s if you have your eyes wide open). If you are in a long distance relationship where much of the relationship is conducted by phone or email, the time to get to know him or her will take even longer.

Realize that what you see is what you get, so use a magnifying glass.

If you are truly looking for a loving relationship that lasts, delay sex until you really feel secure in your knowledge of the person. Once you engage in sex and those chemicals start firing in the brain, all common sense is lost. Plus many people, especially women, have a tendency to confuse sex with love. If sex is the main focus in your relationship, you’re headed for trouble.

Don’t start playing out fantasies early in the relationship. Save the sexual fantasies for later; it will help enliven an enduring relationship. And do you really want someone you may only know for a short while to be re-enacting the fantasies you shared with the next lover. That vision of you tied to the bedposts wearing only a red boa and red high heels doesn’t look so good anymore now, does it?

Listen to your gut and trust your instincts. When you get a gnawing sensation in your stomach, it’s probably telling you that you’re not paying attention to something important. Pay attention and address the issue.

Observe. Listen to how he talks to you and to other people. Listen to how he talks about other people. Watch to see if the actions back up the words and if the words back up the actions. Notice if you are feeling uncomfortable with some of the things he is doing in life.

Pay attention to history. In the beginning, the ex was likely the love his life too….that is, until reality set in and the fantasy imploded. Pay attention to how the ex was treated then; it’s the same treatment you can expect in the future. The exception to this rule is if your significant other has done a significant amount of therapy between relationships in order to realize his or her relationship patterns, become accountable for them and correct them. Because that work generally involves intense work around childhood wounds, just saying that one has regrets doesn’t mean he won’t do it again.

Think long-term. You can have loving words, romance and great sex, but what you really need to pay attention to is the rest of the person’s life and behaviors.

If your significant other presents himself as a victim of circumstances, don’t fall for it. You’ll just be buying the fantasy that he keeps recycling in his own mind. As children, we’re powerless over what happens to us. As adults, we have the ability to protect ourselves and to get the help we need around what happened to us in the past.

If you’re engaging in online dating, it’s all fantasy until you actually meet and spend a considerable amount of time together. Thousands of people who have met someone whose online photo looked twenty years younger or fifty pounds lighter can vouch for this one. Sure, you can empathize that these people are just trying to be accepted and avoid rejection, and it’s also a sign of dishonesty.

Recognize that fantasy can be a characteristic of love addiction. When reality hits and it will, love addicts need professional help.

Paying attention to these guidelines can save you a lot of time, energy and heartache. Give yourself the time necessary to actually see reality. Face the harsh realities when they come instead of clinging to fantasy. And when you finally know the object of your affection to really and truly be the person you want to be with in relationship, let the fantasies begin -- just remember to keep them in the bedroom!

Amy Warren, LMHC counsels individuals and couples in private practice in Sarasota and nationwide by phone.