When Other People Behave Badly

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

It was less than eleven hours into a new decade and a woman with whom my only prior history was a simple introduction in an elevator was screaming at me “Up yours!” The scenario was a covered dish New Years Day brunch for all the residents at the building where I live. I had to leave a little early so I took what was left in my dish after asking anyone standing nearby if they wanted more. In the corridor as I was leaving, I heard someone yelling after me “Is there anything in that dish?” Initially, I thought I was being accused of taking other people’s food home with me, so I explained to the woman who had followed me into the corridor that I had to leave to go to work and was only taking what was left in my dish. I was then told in no uncertain terms that taking my leftover food home was not acceptable, that I was supposed to leave it for others to eat and “If you’re going to be that way, then up yours!”

In the days that followed, I couldn’t get the incident out of my head. I couldn’t believe that my good intentions to start the New Year forming new relationships with people in my building turned out this way. I wondered, “Did I violate some code of etiquette that was unknown to me?”, “Was it not acceptable for me to take home the leftover food I had purchased and spent time preparing in the wee hours of the night?” “What could this woman who didn’t even know me have against me?”

I shared the incident with others and realized I was looking for some sort of validation that I didn’t do anything wrong. I wanted to know it wasn’t my fault.

And then I caught myself. I was doing the same things that abuse victims do by questioning if it was my fault and trying to find a reason why I deserved such treatment. Like the clients I see in my therapy practice who believe they somehow invited sexual abuse or deserved the physical or verbal lashings they received, I was looking for a reason to support someone’s bad behavior. I was trying to find a way to blame me.

The incident I experienced was a lesser sin than the ones many of my clients experienced, yet still a sin. I had been verbally abused. Whenever someone speaks with disrespect or disdain or attempts to control by ordering someone to do something, it is verbal abuse. It hurts. And just as with any other form of abuse, verbal abuse is never the fault of the person being abused.

I have briefly encountered the woman in passing who spoke to me so shamelessly two more times. On both occasions, I felt the impulse to shrink instead of standing tall in the knowledge that I had maintained respect in the face of disrespect. I felt incredible discomfort and yet, she seemed to feel none—smiling and speaking to me as if she had never said “Up yours.” She seemed oblivious to her previous bad behavior. This behavior is typical of abusers, again leading victims to question their experience. It is part of the very scenario that leaves victims feeling confused, wondering what in the world happened and never knowing when the next bomb may drop. It keeps victims uncomfortable, yet another way abusers attempt to exert their power.

People who abuse feel a sense of entitlement. They are shameless in their behavior. When we find ourselves feeling shame when we have in fact been abused, we are only carrying the shame the abuser should be feeling. It is their shame, not ours.

For many people who encounter abuse as adults, it seems normal because they experienced abuse as children. For other people like me who had childhoods where abuse was not the norm, this foreign behavior can lead us to think there must surely be a reason for it. What is it that makes us look for an excuse for such behavior? Perhaps it is because such outrageous behavior makes us think there must be some rationale behind the behavior. Surely, we think, no one could behave so irrationally without being provoked. Provoked or not, it is our personal responsibility to maintain composure in the face of the un-composed, to maintain respect when disrespected and to refrain from retaliating when hurt.

I must admit. Inwardly I yearned to tell the woman to go jump off a bridge when the incident first occurred, but I resisted the urge. Instead, as I felt the fight or flight response kick in that we all feel in the presence of a threat, I simply turned to enter the elevator. To do anything other than flee was futile. It is of no use to try and reason with people behaving so badly. As adults, we have an ability we did not have as children -- the ability to protect ourselves. In the face of any kind of abuse, we are able to protect ourselves by letting abusers know their behavior is unacceptable and removing ourselves from the situation.

The incident reminded me of how hard it can be to be relational in the presence of someone who is anti-relational. The victory of maintaining respect in the face of disrespect does not always feel so sweet, yet it is the only thing that works. What does feel sweet though is the lifting of the burden of concern – of the worry that I somehow deserved the tongue lashing. Like the people I work with who have been molested, physically abused or verbally denigrated by others, it is not my fault. There is, in fact, no excuse for any kind of abuse.

[Carole Stevens Bibisi]

Amy,
Thanks for taking the time to share these valuable insights, wow! I found this article and the comments from Jane very enlightening and significant. Thank you both!

[June McEldowney]

I believe it is one of the hardest lessons to learn in our day to day behaviors being that it is such a part of human nature to want to "lash out" & return the same behavior but I so agree with both of your insights as we need to chose the higher road not maybe the easier one and try to instill some peace into stressful situations. I am definitely going to chose to send out those love messages to those around me who need understanng. . it is so true that we never know what is going on in someone else's life. I think we tend to judge too quickly & need to take a step back like Jane suggested & assess the behavior to promote basic kindness & goodwill when others are misbehaving - doesn't give us the right to do the same!!

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

Jane,
Thank you for sharing such wonderful insights and starting the discussion. The world would certainly be a better, more peaceful place if we followed Robinson's advice, an act of what I call "relational heroism."
It is true that we never know what lies beneath the surface. Usually, people who treat others badly have either had the same treatment done to them, seen other people do it or been allowed to get away with it. However, regardless of whatever issues a person may be dealing with, it's important to practice what is called a "containing boundary" so that their issues don't leak out on anyone else.

[Jane Barr]

Amy, Thank you for this article. I agree that sometimes all we can do is run for the elevator...especially if the person is being physically abusive. And when we are the person being abused it can be very difficult to stop, stay calm and recognize that something is going on with the other person and that it isn't about us.

Recently I read an article by a person named Mary Robinson who suggests in situations like this that we stop and just start to send mental messages of love to the person who is upset. Mary said that the first time she tried this she was standing in line at a deli when a person started screaming at the deli clerk. Another person said something to the verbal abuser to try to calm him down but that only made the verbal abuser yell at her. Everyone in line was uncomfortable. Mary said she looked right at the verbal abuser and started to mentally send thoughts such as "You are love" and "You are completely lovable and acceptable". Suddenly the person who had been yelling stopped, just stopped and then walked away. Mary says she uses this now in similar situations such as when she hears tired parents yelling at their children in grocery stores and - if she can remember - when someone is yelling at her.

Who knows what was really bothering the women in your condo. A friend named Duwayne Keller told me that there had been a women at work who was always grouchy and being nasty to people but he would always smile at her no matter what. The day he went to tell her he was leaving she burst out in tears. It seems that he was the only person that ever smiled at her and the real reason she was so grouchy was that her husband died and her son got in trouble and was sent to prison. She was lonely and sad and embarrassed and didn't know how to deal with her own emotions.

We really have no idea why people start yelling or are being verbally abusive. I wonder if it is worth our time to learn to do as Mary or Duwayne...to open our heart and send love to those people? What would happen if we all learned how to do that? Would we gain both increased self respect and possible be doing something for the other person at the same time?