7 FOUNDATIONS FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP

[admin]

I am having the occasion to speak more and more about relationships and what is really important in them. My advice to anyone thinking about getting into a serious romantic relationship is that while opposites may attract, there are some opposites which will quickly degenerate into major problems. On a few certain issues, your approaches need to be, if not identical, at least compatible with your partner or you are setting both you and your significant other up for a never-ending series of frustrations, resentments, and potential arguments. Some may seem obvious; others more subtle, but all can create major rifts in a relationship.

(1) WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MONEY?

A lot is said about how money divides people and studies repeatedly indicate that money is the #1 reason couples fight. There is much that can be said but to me, this issue really boils down to one simple question: What do you think the purpose of money is? Everything about money, from your budgeting approach (or not) to your expenditures to your savings record flows from this question. There are four main answers:

(1) Money is primarily for immediate sustenance needs.
(2) Money is to provide present and future security.
(3) Money is to bring maximum (moral) good and pleasure to you, those you love, and to those God places in your path.
(4) Money is to be used primarily to assist good moral causes.

(2) HOW DO YOU VIEW EXERCISE? Is it a necessity or a luxury?

Some people view exercise as a needed component of their ability to function adequately and therefore have no problem leaving chores to go to the gym. Others feel that exercise is a luxury, almost "play time" to them so they feel that their "work," whether that be professional or house work needs to be done before they feel free to go exercise. When you and your mate disagree on exercise, one will feel that you are too uptight and the other will feel abandoned and that the exercising-mate is irresponsible.

(3) HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG?

People who approach ethics from different starting points often find it very difficult not only to find a common conclusion but even understand what each other is saying. Their arguments seem irrelevant. For example, those who take a fundamentalist or absolutist approach and look to a source outside themselves may frustrate others with their apparent rigidness while relativists frustrate others by their seeming flexibility and ability to justify any action.

(4) HOW DO YOU PREFER YOUR FREE TIME: open and relaxed or planned activities?

We all reverence our non-working time, but if you are not spending that precious time in the way you prefer, it will be extremely disconcerting and even angering since you will feel "cheated" out of that reprieve. Some people adore restful, non-structured time off where it is a good thing to say at the end of the day, "I loafed around, didn't do anything." Others cannot stand that and feel refreshed and relaxed when every moment of their non-work time is filled with activities.

(5) DOES QUALITY TIME MEAN ONLY TWO PEOPLE?

We all understand the importance of "quality time" in which couples can connect on deep psychological and emotional levels, but some of us feel that can be done in a group of friends and others discount such group activities in favor of strictly one-on-one time. Couples with different definitions of quality time can be frustrated by the "isolation" or the "crowd" they perceive is being pressed upon them.

(6) WHAT IS YOUR LEVEL OF SPIRITUAL INTEREST?

It is helpful if both members of a relationship share a common religious or metaphysical approach to life. There are, however, examples, of couples of different faiths coexisting quite happily and couples who share the exact same faith seeming very far apart from one another emotionally. The difference is not only in the specific tenets of what each partner believes, but their interest level. To someone deeply committed to the spiritual realm of life and who sees great value and significance in spending time contemplating such things, a partner with a less robust interest level can seem shallow, while the other mate complains of an obsession and begins to resent the amount of time and importance placed on such things. I have grown to believe that the Bible's admonition of "be ye not unequally yoked" pertains not merely to believing the same spiritual things but having the same degree of passion for those things.

(7) WHAT IS THE MAJOR WAY YOU FEEL LOVED?

The best book I have ever seen on this topic is The Five Love Languages. You can feel very unloved with someone who loves you dearly but is expressing that affection in ways which are not valuable to you. The easiest relationship would probably be with someone who shares your preferred method of showing love, but it is certainly possible to adapt your style to someone else's as long as you are both open and honest about your approach. The book The Five Love Languages describes the way we perceived love in these ways:
(1) words of affirmation
(2) acts of service
(3) gifts
(4) physical touching
(5) quality time
While all of these may be pleasurable, some of definitely more meaningful than others to us, and their lack of emphasis can cause misunderstandings and a sense of loss and void.

So, for those of you getting all emotional as Valentine's Day approaches, let me gently ask you to take a reality check and ask yourself how your love interest would answer these seven questions and then ask yourself how you would answer them. If the answers are vastly different, caution is well advised.

by J. Lenora Bresler

[Doug Ross]

J Lenora,

This is so right on target and beautifully balanced between men and women! I have a blog that takes off from my book titled Make It Last and I would likie to reprint your piece with credit to you right at the top.

I'm finding two new things to emphasize in my talks. One is that couples come from two different cultures, i.e., families. The more one knows about the other the better! I grew up in a small town and our values were very similar. Most marriages in my age cohort have done pretty well. Even so, families each have their own covenants and the parents teach that to the children.

In some ways the earlier people marry, the better the chance that they can cretate their own unique ways of being together, but later or second, third, fourth marriages bring what I'll call "learned limits", usually what not to do because it failed in the past. We come into these later marriages and relationships with a set of red flags that pop up from time to time. In that case, there needs to be an agrred on process the couple can use to work through it. AND, somebody has to name it!

Finally, parenting brings up family and values differences. We did it this way! Not us, we did it a different way. Can we compromise or do I have to give in? Parenting also changes the focus from mate to kids. Sometimes the love and affection goes their way instead of to each other. That's why counselors almost always suggest having dates. Two of my four sons have teenagers that require a lot of attention. What will their life be like when the nest empties? Will they be able to Make It Last?

These are great questions you have suggested. I hope everybody copies them to a file and pastes it on the mirror!

Doug

Doug Ross, Ph.D.
Consultant, Teacher , and Author

[Charmaine Tincher]

Lenora,

I could of used these simple yet Empowered questions to ponder over years ago. If all couples looking to be in a serious relationship would break down the fantasy walls and enter reality, our single parent statistics and Divorce rates may have been a lot lower. When you are young and infatuated with someone, we over look their flaws as we believe that maybe, just maybe they will come around, possibly change as the relationship grows but that change maybe in the areas we do not agree with and were in front of us all the time but we chose to let Love and our heart take over our mind. Now that I am older well how about saying, been around the block a few times I now see what I will not settle for as time waits on no one these days. Dating is harder with all the internet date sites. Yes people are exposing themselves more and you try to get to know someone through chatting and emails and then face to face. But the biggest obstacle I do see with this is no one really knows what the heck they are looking for because the smorgasboard just continues.....they are always thinking the grass is greener on the next profile that was just uploaded and oh, I don't want to miss out......

I have been single for about 10years now. Oh yes I have fallen for that wrong guy and finally made a pack with myself not to settle anymore that somewhere is Mr Right and when your not looking, he may appear.

I dated this very handsome fit young man. We met at the gym. He had the looks and the body. One great thing that did come out of meeting is for me to reintroduce him to the lord and he started back to church but other than that when it came to listening to conversations such as children, something just didn't fit? Although he had a daughter, everytime I mentioned a movie night and popcorn as I had may have had one or two of my four grandchildren spending the night, he always found an excuse to not follow through. Then the fourth of July came and my family, Daughter, son in law and Grandchildren were barbqing and going to the beach to watch the fireworks and when he weasled his way out of being there with us, I knew right then and there this person as much as we like each other are not meant to be partners. Maybe friends but not in a lasting relationship.. My grandchilden and family are important to me and if your partner finds excuses not to be around then its time to make changes.....

I recently met a very talented gifted man that actually wrote a book and has another one ready for print. Our first date I asked him if I could read his book. I read almost the whole book in one night. I couldn't put it down. I knew more about this man from reading his book than some of my own family members. I told my friends that anyone out there dating needs to write a book about their life and share it... it is amazing all that I learned about this man, a life time of information on his trials, his character, his integrity, his heartaches, his family, his passions and his loves.... If anything I felt inferior to him but I also felt excited and blessed to have our paths cross. And all your questions listed above are ones we all need answered and the lessons learned are no one needs to settle. Your relationships should empower you to be a better person because they are a part of your life. If you feel less, then you need to sit back and re think about what values in that person are you willing to accept or NOT? Live Love and Laugh as Life is shorter than we know it!

I truly appreciated your 7 Foundations for a serious Realtionship and will value every one of them in my path to finding my companion for the latter part of my life to share! And take note Lenora that the number 7 is in fact the number of completeness.......food for thought! : -)

God Bless, Charmaine Tincher
www.goingbluemovement.com