AFTER THE DISCOVERY: Living with a Sex Addict

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

A woman’s discovery that she is living with a sex addict is one of the most excruciating realizations she may ever have to face. What follows often includes self-tormenting images of the partner’s dalliances. Just as often, the discovery triggers all sorts of self-doubt and questioning—all for naught. A person’s sex addiction has nothing to do with the person they are in relationship with. It has to do with the sex addict’s own unresolved issues. If you take one thing from this article, hear this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You are not responsible for anyone else’s behavior, but your own.

If you are one of those unfortunate women living with a sex addict, here are some guidelines that will enable you to preserve your own sense of dignity and begin to heal:

 First and foremost, if you are living with a sex addict who is not in treatment and diligently working on recovery, then you need to sever the relationship. If you don’t end it, ask your self “Why am I repeatedly putting myself in a situation to risk being hurt both emotionally and physically?” Seek professional counseling.

 Be aware of what recovery of sex addiction really means. Consistent, professional counseling is mandatory. Treatment of sex addiction should always be long-term; it generally takes 3-5 years of devoted treatment to fully recover. Even weekly counseling where the addict is not truly committed will not suffice; he must be walking the talk. Inpatient programs will jumpstart the process. 12 Step Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings are a good adjunct, but again are not enough alone. Ideally, you should be part of the treatment as well.

 Recognize that lying is part of addiction. Observe behaviors and listen to your own inner guidance about what feels authentic and what feels off-kilter.

 Listen to your gut! It’s true that your barometer may be a little off after the deception—causing you to second-guess everything your partner does and says. But in general, listening to your gut is an important and self-protective practice which may have alerted you to your partner’s behavior earlier, if only you had been listening.

 Identify what feels comfortable and uncomfortable to you sexually. If you’re not comfortable being sexual with your partner at the moment, take a break from sex. Having sex with him will not keep him from his addictive behaviors. If he tries to convince you that it will, don’t buy it.

 Set limits about what you are and are not willing to tolerate.

 Some partners of sex addicts have experienced sexual abuse as a child. One of the reasons sexual abuse survivors end up in relationships with sex addicts is because they don’t have a filter for what is healthy and unhealthy sexual behavior. The origin of their sexual experience lies in boundaryless, over-powering, manipulative and hurtful behavior. Now, just like the perpetrator of their sexual abuse, their partner is convincing them that behaviors they don’t feel entirely comfortable with are appropriate. If you feel like you don’t have a template for healthy sexuality, seek professional counseling where you can learn.

 Get tested for HIV and other sexually-transmitted diseases. Your partner’s behavior could threaten your life.

 Have safe sex until you are totally and utterly confident that your partner is in full recovery.

 Don’t go into sexual overdrive trying to compete for your partner’s attention. Some couples experience a honeymoon period after the discovery of sexual addiction. The addict is remorseful; the partner is trying to do whatever it takes to feel reconnected. This period is short-lived and only serves to mask the issues around the sexual addiction.

 Don’t keep secrets in order to protect your partner’s addiction from being exposed. When you help him hide the problem, you are engaging in co-addictive behavior.

 Don’t make excuses to your self or others for your partner’s addiction. There’s no excuse.

 Speak to your partner about what feels hurtful to you. Don’t act happy when you’re not happy.

 Identify some ways that you partner can earn your trust again and ask him to do it.

 Insist that he be open with you regarding communications and activities.

 Be aware that many addicts replace one addiction with another.

 Talk to people close to you about how you are feeling. Many people keep it all inside because they believe their partner’s behavior is a reflection on them; it isn’t. This will be a very lonely time if you are pretending everything is okay.

 Engage in self-care, doing what you need to do to pamper yourself during this painful time

 If needed, reach out for your own counseling. Don’t feel like it’s just your partner’s problem to solve. You are grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had. It will also be beneficial for you to look at messages you received in your own life that led you to tolerate the intolerable or to be involved in a dysfunctional relationship of this nature.

Be patient with yourself. You are a woman who has been betrayed and deceived. Healing takes time. But healing will only occur, if you are in a relationship with a sex addict who is no longer acting out sexually.

by Amy Warren, LMHC