Love Birds

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Comment by Susie Anderson on July 18, 2009 at 1:01pm

As a member of multiple dating sites, I realized my search for a Partner had to be as serious as if I were searching for a new job. I continually tweak my online dating profile, and I research what other women have in theirs. I WOULD LOVE TO HELP YOU CREATE OR IMPROVE YOUR ONLINE PROFILE, JUST EMAIL ME, THAT'S ALL IT TAKES TO START, and it's FREE!

Comment by Diane Lane on June 16, 2009 at 9:37pm

For those of you possibly in a relationship where there seems to be a deep, unending, soulmate kind of love....but you cannot seem to "make the relationship work," I highly recommend the book, "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody.

I've recently broken off a three year relationship. We basically spent the last year passionately and emotionally being off and on, dramatically, because there was "so much love there." Well, had I read this book eight months ago when it was suggested I read it, who knows, we may still be in the relationship.

The book is about recognizing your style of Love Addiction, which stems from childhood abandonment. You are (possibly) either a Love Addict, or a Love Avoider. Love Addicts have a tendency to "enmesh" their partners, while Love Avoiders have a tendency to resent the "enmeshment," and/or the smothering from the Love Addict, as well as resent the responsibility the Love Addict has unconsciously placed upon the Love Avoider. All of which creates a tumultuous relationship that you "can't live with or without."

Reading this book has opened my eyes to an insidious way of being in relationships, which I had no idea was playing an huge role in my life. Thankfully, the book offers the path to healing...and to better relationships in the future. Or, at least, recognizing an unhealthy relationship when the red flags start flying!

Comment by faith tolka on May 9, 2009 at 1:43pm

I have just written on "Emotional autism: Are you stuck in the 'alone zone'?" on my blog http://faithsforum.blogspot.com. Comments and observations welcome.

Comment by Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist on April 27, 2009 at 2:39pm

Relationship Tip of the Week: Focus on the Positive

This week, I’m going to begin a series of relationship tips by asking you to do something harder than you think --- to focus on the positive. For one week, each time you open your mouth to say something negative to your partner, close it. There may be lots of negatives in your relationship, and I absolutely want you to address them. But first of all, I invite you to become more aware of the positives in your relationship. Try to find the good things in it and comment on them. You may still address the things you don’t like, but frame it in the positive. “I would really appreciate it if you get home in time for dinner because I invested a lot of time and love preparing it for you,” sounds much better than “You never come home on time! I slaved over a hot stove for hours and this is what I get in return!” Not only does the first statement sound better, it will garner a much different response from your partner.

Don’t just apply this technique to your relationships; apply it everywhere in life. Lately, I’ve been cognizant of how different my experiences are when I’m around people who are negative versus people who are positive. It changes the entire energy of the day or activity. Your energy can contaminate another person’s energy, so become mindful of it. Look for the silver lining; you can usually find one if you look hard enough. I truly don’t believe people recognize how negative and critical than can be; it’s a matter of becoming conscious. Become aware of how many times you have to bite your tongue to stop a critical statement from coming out of your mouth. We’re all negative at times, but sometimes we take it to the extreme. People don’t like to be around negative people. Why should your partner be expected to be any different? If you have to take out a virtual magnifying glass to amplify the good in the relationship, so be it. You might find you’ve been taking some things for granted, like how much it helps you when your husband picks the kids up from day care. Bring praise and appreciation into your relationship, even if you think that the good things should be a given in the relationship, or even if the negatives negate the positives.

This exercise is not about putting on blinders to your partner’s bad behavior. Rather it’s about monitoring your own level of tolerance and seeing if perhaps by looking for the positives, you will see more good in the relationship. Believe me, the negatives will still be present in your relationship next week, and you should speak to them if they continue to matter. But, perhaps the negative things won’t seem quite so vibrant once you get into the habit of looking for the positive. If you’re brave enough to take on the assignment, notice the change in your own moods as well as the responses from your partner this week. I guarantee you’ll see a difference. Make a note of it and share your experiences with others at WQ. Next week, I’ll give you tips on how to speak to your partner about those negatives that continue to disturb you. But for now, keep the optimism!

by Amy Warren, LMHC