RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE WEEK: Eliminate Tit for Tat

To respond to a partner (or anyone else) who is upset with you with a counterattack of what he did wrong is not fair game. It means you are not being accountable for your own actions. Plus, you aren’t really hearing your partner’s feelings.

Over and over again in couples therapy sessions, I hear partners employ this tactic to get the heat off them. It doesn’t; it only makes the situation worse. What ends up happening is that the wounded partner’s feelings are never validated. No resolution occurs because it’s off to the races and running as both partners engage in combat.

Always remember, your partner’s bad behavior is no excuse for your own bad behavior. Calling attention to his mistake doesn't erase your own mistake. Play fair by eliminating tit for tat in your relationship.

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