RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE WEEK: Nuking Is For the Microwave

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

Often when people get hurt or angry, the tendency is to try to get back at the other person with hurtful words or actions. In the Relational Life Therapy I practice, we refer to retaliation as one of the losing relationship strategies. It’s based on the belief that if the other person feels the same pain you are feeling, then he will learn from it. Not!! The other person is only going to become infuriated, and the situation will escalate. This whole “You kick me, so I’m going to nuke you” mentality is what creates violence in the world.

When you feel offended by someone, it’s perfectly acceptable to respectfully speak about it and to define the consequences of it happening again. But, to respond with a counter attack in words, to withhold, withdraw or implement any action as repercussion will only create distance between you. So next time, leave the nuking to the microwave!

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

Yes, since unfortunately we aren't taught relationship skills in school, we enter relationships primarily equipped with the knowledge of what we observed growing up -- meaning most of us have a faulty set of skills. I've made it my life's work to help others learn the skills necessary to have a healthy relationship, and I am continually amazed to see people's relationships transform when they finally develop the skills they never knew existed. I often say "It's like learning a new language."

[winifred j. rush]

You make a valuable point concerning withholding and withdrawing. I often see the problem as persons do not have the communication skills to effectively get their point across. To get angry is okay. To be meanan vendictive is not. A good counselor, therapist or couples coach can often help people learn new skills in order to enhance relationships.

[Doug Ross]

Amy is right on here. Tempers certainly are a deterrant to good solutions. This is not to say, however, taht once in a while it may be necessary to speak strongly to get your partner's attention. As long as you take full responsibility for your part in the disagreement rather than trying to win points, it can be a plus for you.
Doug Ross, Ph.D.
Author of Make It Last: Loving Relationships