RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE WEEK: Eliminate Tit for Tat

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

To respond to a partner (or anyone else) who is upset with you with a counterattack of what he did wrong is not fair game. It means you are not being accountable for your own actions. Plus, you aren’t really hearing your partner’s feelings.

Over and over again in couples therapy sessions, I hear partners employ this tactic to get the heat off them. It doesn’t; it only makes the situation worse. What ends up happening is that the wounded partner’s feelings are never validated. No resolution occurs because it’s off to the races and running as both partners engage in combat.

Always remember, your partner’s bad behavior is no excuse for your own bad behavior. Calling attention to his mistake doesn't erase your own mistake. Play fair by eliminating tit for tat in your relationship.

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

The Relational Life Institue was founded by best-selling author Terry Real ("I Don't Want to Talk About It", "How Can I Get Through to You" and "The New Rules of Marriage"). Terry pioneered a non-traditional model of couples therapy called Relational Life Therapy. The Institute provides training and certification to therapists in Relational Life Therapy. The Institute is based in the Boston area and provides training in various major cities. In addition to my private practice, I am affiliated with the faculty and coach therapists around the country as part of their training. What makes this model of therapy different is that we join with couples through the truth, take sides as appropriate, and focus on a deep emotional reconnection of the disconnected partner--leading to what we call "full respect living."

[Doug Ross]

Amy,
What is the Relational Living Institute?
Doug

[Jane Barr]

Another great resource - "We're Never Upset for the Reason We Think We Are." - purchase at paulandlayne.com. They have been relationship coaches for more than 30 years and suggest that when we are in the "heat of the battle" and we want to lash out...Go ahead...BUT before you do ask to be excused. Go into another room or take a walk. Hit your pillow, scream into your pillow - whatever helps to get your feelings out in a safe way. When you are calmer, then you will have the clarity to ask yourself how your beliefs, attitudes, or fears are affecting the situation. Finally using a specific tool called "Heart to Heart Talks" talk through the situation with your partner. They more we do this the less frequently the upsets occur.

[Doug Ross]

A correlary is to always find a way to take responsibility for your part in the confrontation. My friend and fellow relationship author, Howard Schechter, calls this "Going Vertical". It means you take a deep breath, slow down, and go inside yourself to look at your role in the problem. Howards book is titled Intimate Partners: From Romantic Love to Enduring Relationship.

Doug Ross
Make It Last: Loving Relationships