Relationship Tip of the Week: Make a Sandwich

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

Remember last week, I told you to focus on the positives in your relationship and that I’d give you a way to address the negatives. Well, here it is...make a sandwich.

You’re probably saying “Yeah right, putting on calories is really going to help me deal with my imperfect husband.” But I don’t mean it literally. What I mean is to “sandwich” any negative you need to address between two positives.

Here’s an example of what a “sandwich” sounds like:
“I really appreciate how you came home early from work tonight so we could have dinner as a family. I was unhappy though when you interrupted dinner to take a business call. The times when we can all sit down together for dinner are good for our relationship and our family, and I thank you for making the effort to be here tonight.”

Why should you use this technique when you’re mad or hurt about something your partner has done? It works, that's why. When people only hear the negative, they tend to do things which only make the situation worse, like getting defensive, lashing out, or withdrawing. You want your partner to be able to hear you. When a partner feels like all you notice is what he does wrong, it gives him no reason to do something positive. So let him know you notice the positive just as you hold him accountable for the negative.

I can’t guarantee that “making a sandwich” is going to get you a positive result every time, but I’m willing to bet that positive outcomes will occur more often. This week, make an effort to sandwich any of those negatives you still need to address between two positives. Make sure to let us know how it works for you. Just as you’re hungry for your partner to change some of his behaviors, he’s probably hungry for you to detect his good behaviors. Try it; both of you might like how it tastes.

By Amy Warren, LMHC