Dear Coach: Lonely and Loveless on Valentine's Day

[Rev. Dr. Christina Winsey]

Dear Coach:

Here it is another Valentine’s Day and I don’t have plans, I don’t have a significant other in my life and I feel lonely – like maybe something is wrong with me that I’m 39 and still haven’t had someone propose, let along hang around for more than a couple of years. I hate forced celebrations about anything – Mother’s Day, Father’s Day – we should celebrate those people in our lives only if we feel like we want to. Some people have parents they would never celebrate! Or maybe some of us feel badly because we didn’t become mothers yet and like time is running out. Same with Valentine’s Day. Why do we force these things? It makes the rest of us feel like we’re not included. Not only that, I hate my body and I can’t imagine anyone loving fat me. So there, I’ve said it. I am scared and angry and sad and feeling loveless and hopeless all at the same time.

Loveless and Lonely

Dear “Loveless”:

I can feel your pain! I spent years feeling about my body the same as you described, and I do understand how you feel about “forced” celebration of people and things that don’t necessarily pertain to everyone.

While you can’t necessarily wave a magic wand and manufacture a relationship of your dreams, I’m going to here say something so very cliché but only because it really is true and has merit. Until you have a special relationship with yourself, looking outside yourself for the mate who will make you feel special is somewhat futile. There is no one who can help you feel as good about yourself as you can. It has to begin with you. When you love and care for yourself it makes you so much more attractive to others. And when you give yourself love you don’t need others in the same way.

Now that being said I know, when you are longing for a relationship with a special someone it feels as though if you could just have that relationship all would be well. But look around you. The world is full of soured relationships of people who married thinking that other person was going to fill all their needs, wants and desires and make them feel special for the rest of their lives. What went wrong? I’m not a relationship therapist, but perhaps, if each person spent more time learning to love themselves then took responsibility for feeling good within, there just might be far less disillusioned lovers.

Start where you are. You said you don’t like your body. What can you do right now, today, to take better care of yourself? You probably don’t want to hear, “make the most of what you’ve got.” But if you don’t who will? Most people spend more time planning a vacation than planning their lives, and most people take better care of their cars than their bodies. I have deep compassion for what you are going through and I only know that, having had to take the same journey, I learned, over time, to change my habits, care for my body and create relationships that are supportive and loving.

There is a wonderful story I heard told by a wonderful speaker several years ago. She asked two audience members to come up on stage and to participate in a little illustration. She asked for one audience member to be someone who has lived, what she considered a “charmed” life with lots of love and all the advantages.

The other audience participant she asked to be someone who has had a very hard life – perhaps someone who suffered abuse.

The two women who agreed got up on the stage. The speaker took out a $20 bill and asked the audience how much that $20 was worth. They all said “Twenty Dollars.”

She handed the $20 bill to the first woman who had lived a charmed life and asked her to hold that $20 bill as if it were a blessed new baby – like gold. She said to kiss it and make it more special than anything. The speaker then asked the first participant what the value of the bill was. She replied “More than $20, or at least still twenty.”

The Speaker handed the $20 bill to the second participant and asked her to stamp on it, crush it and abuse it. After she did this the speaker held up the ragged $20 bill and asked the woman what the value of that $20 bill was. The second participant said it was “Valueless – worth nothing.”

The speaker turned to the audience and asked them, “How much is this $20 bill worth?” The audience shouted out “Twenty dollars.” The second participant looked confused. The speaker turned to her and said, “No matter what has been done to this $20 bill there is nothing that can change its inherent value. It still buys $20 worth of items and that hasn’t changed no matter how ragged or crumpled it has gotten.”

The second participant began to cry as she drew the analogy about herself. She had been abused, and “crumpled,” just like that $20 bill, but her value had NEVER ever changed!

Find your value! There are so many resources available. Whether it’s a therapist, a coach a friend or mentor – even a program with others who are striving to improve and there is group support. Reach out. Love yourself. Celebrate your relationship with YOU for this Valentine’s time of year. No matter what you deserve it!

Blessings,

Dr. Chris

Dr. Christina Winsey is known as The "I Can" Doctor. She is a life coach, health and weight loss coach and addiction recovery coach. You can read more about Dr. Chris at http://www.TheICanDoctor.com

[Rev. Dr. Christina Winsey]

Glad you got something from it, Jane. It's nice to know when people are reading the blogs and that I'm making a difference in people's lives!

I checked your page but didn't find a bio or anything. I'm not so great at navigating all around on these pages but I'd like to learn more about what you do.

Warmly,
Dr. Chris

[Jane Barr]

What a great experiential metaphor. Thanks for sharing it.