RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE WEEK: Stop Gauging Your Behavior on Your Partner’s Behavior

[Amy Warren, LMHC / WQ Mag Columnist]

This week’s tip is about being your self. How many times have you based what you are about to say on how you think your partner will react, or what you think he wants to hear? How often do you gauge what you do on his expected behavior? You probably know the drill. You express the opinion or answer you think he wants to hear because you are afraid of being rejected if you say what you really think. You tiptoe around him in an effort to avoid igniting further the bad mood he already seems to be in. You don’t tell him certain information, like about talking to your high school sweetheart on Facebook or how much you spent on your new pair of Jimmy Choos, so as not to upset him. These are all examples of unhealthy, codependent behavior.

The following negative outcomes are all possibilities when you gauge your behavior on your partner’s behavior:
 You don’t express your true opinions, denying your partner of the opportunity to really get to know you.
 You don’t get your needs met because you withhold your desires.
 You deny yourself from facing and addressing the negative realities of your relationship, by avoiding them.
 You withhold information that your partner has a right to know.
 Your partner grows to resent you for being manipulative.
 You walk around being a bundle of nerves because you’re always worrying about what you should say or do.
 You begin to lose sight of how you really think and feel.

This week, begin to notice if what you say or do is based on either avoiding a negative reaction or trying to generate a positive one. Then do both you and your partner a favor, and just be you!

[Doug Ross]

Us men, we may think differently than you do, for example, most of us are, or try to be, direct and to the point. We're not as good as you are at reading feelings. If you are tip-toeing around us, we'll mostly be confused by it.

In my book, Make It Last: Loving Relationships (available on Amazon.com), I note that the Fundamental Relationship Error is to try to change the other person. In the long run the honest truth is best, because if you get into a committed relationship, some of this will come out in time. Why get it out up front?

Some of the sharing needs to be done with great sensitivity. You are better at that than we are. If you tell me something hard to say, but you have your hand warmly on my arm beside you, I can hear almost anything.